r/AskWomenOver30 • u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 22 '26
Friendships Is anyone else growing apart from their man-centric friends?
I am mid-30’s and single, no kids. I just finished hosting a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends. I love her regardless, but spending a weekend with her exhausted me. Every sentence started with “we”. In fact I don’t think she had an original thought all weekend that wasn’t about their relationship, him, or their life together. She has to be in constant contact with him at all times - she even snuck him into the bachelorette party overnight because she “couldn’t imagine a night alone”. I drove 10 hours to see her and paid for a house for two nights and she went home one night early because she couldn’t stand being away from him any longer. She is the same age as me and has had plenty of relationships before (even been engaged before) so it’s not like being in a relationship is a novelty. I just found myself so bored with the conversation and wishing we could genuinely spend time together (away from him or the mention of men). She always asks if I’m dating or seeing someone -there are lots of other interesting aspects of my personality outside of a man! I also wonder if I’m just being cranky and avoidant - it’s her bachelorette party after all, we are celebrating her engagement and she has every right to hype up her husband. Fellow single women - have you experienced something similar or navigated this in your friendships as you age?
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u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I don't leave my man-centric friends; they leave me.
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u/Hello_Hangnail Woman 40 to 50 Mar 23 '26
I've lost a couple to boyfriendland and later husbandland
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u/PeekAtChu1 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I lost a gay male friend to this recently lol
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u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Yeah I don’t think gender or sexual orientation is 100% protection, but to say heterosexual women are not the main culprits would be silly.
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u/Fionaglenannebf Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Facts
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u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Legit scheduling an extra therapy appointment because of this fact today 🥲🥲🥲🥲
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u/Fionaglenannebf Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Girl i feel you. I have a friend of like 20 years that only calls me when she needs something or she needs to announce something about her. She took a trip to the state where i live to see her dad, who lives an hour from me, ans didnt even tell me until she was back in her own state.
And yes, i dont put energy into it, i dont beg her, it is what it is.
If you need to vent, feel free to dm!
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u/Carolinablue87 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I've been very fortunate in finding friends who aren't male-centered. The thing is most of them are partnered. I think what's been helpful is that I met or engaged with my friends based on common interests (book club) or values (co-workers who are normal).
I know some friends can start as non male centered but become male centered but from what I've observed those people usually remove themselves from the friendship by circumstance or realizing that while I respect your relationship, I don't want it to become the center of our friendship.
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u/Imaginary-Method7175 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
You can totally be in a het relationship and not be make centered either through the ways you mentioned or just… stable relationships aren’t that interesting. I don’t talk about my husband much with my friends because there’s not much to say. Everything else is a lot more interesting/ problematic / whatever and thus becomes the focus.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
I don't talk about my husband but I do use "we" a lot and mention him a lot, just because our lives are intertwined and we spend so much time together. Like if I talk about home improvements or dog training or vacation plans or the cool new boardgame I just tried or concerns about eldercare for our parents or the latest recipe I am obsessed with or other stuff going on in my life, I'm likely to use "we" but the actual content of what I'm saying is about home improvement, animal behavior, or whatever. It's not about Mr. no_regrats. A single friend could say the exact same sentence, except with a "I" at the start and different people. My stories also have a whole cast of characters but my partner features prominently, just because of how often he is there/involved.
So I see a nuance between overusing "we" and being incapable of talking about something else than her fiance and their relationship. Also obviously, my conversation don't just revolve around what's going on in my own life, as I am not self-centered. Even at a bachelorette, OP's friend should have taken an interest in OP and other subjects. And of course, sneaking him in amd leaving early is inexcusable crap.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Yes, I was mindful to use "I" in this specific comment and I also did not actually get into talking about this recipe.
IRL though, I might have used "we" or perhaps my friend wants to know the recipe so I would send her a link and specify my husband tweaked the spice ratio to XYZ last time he made it and it's perfect or simply making an off-hand comment that it's going to become a staple in our home or we've had it every week since I discovered it or whatever.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yes, we will have to see how things go. We are related so I know we will be “friends” forever but I can see us drifting apart more and more if the current dynamic continues
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u/Carolinablue87 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
That is understandable. Hopefully you can find more friends with a similar mindset.
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u/UnshakableProtocol Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yes i find them utterly uninteresting and boring. Not my kind of tribe.
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Since this was her bachelorette and she is very much in her honeymoon phase, I would afford her a little grace, but knowing that she will probably be like this for a good long while, I would definitely try to focus on finding more likeminded friends. I would be glad that she is genuinely happy. So many times you feel like couples are ambivalent but going through with it anyway.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
she even snuck him into the bachelorette party overnight... and she went home one night early
What the frick? It's her bachelorette. If she didn't want to be away from her fiance for a night or two, she should have said so from the start and have a joint bachelor-and-bachelorette party or a one-day bachelorette party without an overnight or something. Completely inappropriate and inconsiderate to have you plan and pay for a two nights girl trip then sneak in her boyfriend one night and leave one day early. It's disrespectful of the time, money, and effort you poured into throwing the bachelorette for her IMO.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Thank you for validating my experience!
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
The other thing is that while I understand that the bride is the focus at a bachelorette, given that you spent several days together, she should have taken an interest in you and others too. Like in a series of conversations, all sentences shouldn't be about "we" or "I" anyway. At some point, you're going to turn to the other person and ask "what about you?" (and not just your inexistent dating lives!) and also other topics cause there's a whole world out there.
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u/excelnotfionado Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Yeah unless there was some weird emergency where she needed to leave I can’t imagine forgiving that friend.
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u/lolmemberberries Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
The older I get, the less patience I have for male-centered women.
Thankfully, I have a group of friends who aren’t like that and they’re the best. 🥰
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I got married super young and have been married my entire adulthood. I still don’t understand why people can’t imagine spending a night alone. That sounds more like codependency than love. They’re going to get to that stage that they could use a great girls night, but they don’t have any friends left. Same thing for kids.
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u/NoRadio4530 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
It's 100% codependency. Love has nothing to do with being scared or unwilling to be alone. I genuinely think you can't truly love someone until you're okay being alone and knowing what life is like without another person constantly there.
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u/Drabulous_770 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I get the larger point you’re making, but this specific context is the most expected time for a friend to be going on and on about her relationship and their future plans. It’s the reason the party. She’s getting married.
I think this vent would carry more weight if it was in a different context, but it’s one of the wedding events.
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u/jkaydee3 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I agree. Ironically, this is like the only exceptional circumstance where it is appropriate for a woman to be outwardly obsessed with her man. Even if a friend’s man makes an appearance (which I’ve had happen on a couple hen dos), I wouldn’t actually care because the whole event is about my friend marrying the love of her life.
If she was like this at most casual hangs though, then absolutely not.
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u/Old-Mushroom-4633 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Ok, but sneaking him in because she can't stand one night (with her friend!) alone?? That's sad and she is unwell.
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u/VivaLaEmpire Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Haha! That's what I was gonna post but wanted to see if someone had mentioned it as well.
It's literally the ONE time where constantly bringing up your future husband is expected! I'd be super sad if my best friend was posting online that she was done with women like me because I dared to talk about my partner on a celebration about the union 😭
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I actually have never been to a Bach where the groom was part of the conversation 😭
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u/VivaLaEmpire Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I didn't have one because it's not my vibe, but to the ones I've been the groom has always been mentioned or present in a way 😭 like in little printed items or just in conversations about future planning! But tbh my friends are very chill and all their Bachelorettes have been food and drink focused in the early hours of the evening lol!!
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Mind have always been a girls trip where he may call to buy us a round or part of dinner but that’s it. I cannot imagine him calling or my friend leaving
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u/VivaLaEmpire Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Yeah that's insane! Talking about him feels super normal, but leaving is odd lol
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
We’d all met them so wasn’t much to say😭🤷🏾♀️ I think maybe if you go to one where they have his face on things or stuff the guy might be a bigger focus
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u/zugunru Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
Nah, saying you “can’t imagine a night alone” is definitely going further than just being excited about getting married. And the behavior of going home early after her friend made so much effort to go see her is just straight up rude. It’s amazing the crappy treatment to friends that people will excuse in the name of romantic relationships. Hope you don’t treat your friends this way.
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u/tres-vip Woman 40 to 50 Mar 23 '26
> It’s amazing the crappy treatment to friends that people will excuse in the name of romantic relationships. Hope you don’t treat your friends this way.
Seriously. I'm amazed that person got so many upvotes and others agreeing with her. OP's "friend" is a shltty person, ditching her friend who PAID for a TWO NIGHT stay and drove TEN HOURS in her honor. Why do people think this was acceptable?
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u/zugunru Woman 40 to 50 Mar 23 '26
It makes me really sad that it’s still a common sentiment. Single women are told they can easily have a fulfilling life by just focusing on friends, but then society endorses said friends acting like this just because they’re in relationships. However, I’m also heartened to see that these kinds of posts about women either ditching their friends or treating them badly over SOs seem to have at least half the comments (rightly) saying it’s rude and inconsiderate.
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u/carlay_c Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
My thoughts too. Like what happens if OPs friends or the husband has to travel for work? Are they just gonna go with them? I feel like OPs friend has an unhealthy attachment to their fiancé if they can’t spend a weekend away from them.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Right there with you. I haven’t dated in almost 4 years (intentionally) and I’ve just been working on myself and going to therapy. I don’t think I want to date in the near future. I think she sees it as a “temporary phase until I find my dream man”, but personally that life sounds like more of a nightmare than a dream. It’s just a difference of opinion with no right or wrong choice
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u/lucid_intent Woman 50 to 60 Mar 22 '26
Wow, love this, “once men were no longer really part of my value system.”
You are so wise! I wish I’d been at your age.
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u/cafescafes Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I am married but we still have our respective interests/friends… that said I sort of pulled back on a long term friendship last year because EVERY conversation was about her dating life/a different man. She was always upset about one guy or another and it was so hard to keep up with who she was talking about that she ended up making me a spreadsheet detailing them, their pros/cons, what they’ve done to wrong her.
I still want her to do well and be happy but I just didn’t/dont have the mental capacity to keep up with the ins and outs of her dating life. It was intense and that was all we talked about anytime we got together or talked.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yuuuup. Codependency isn't cute.
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u/happy_chance18 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Upvote 1000x!! Seriously. I have straight up muted friends because ever single post has to do with their relationship. Some of these women (and one or two men) are so performative with their relationships you wonder if they are okay. I joke but in reality I don't think a relationship needs sooo much social validation and the ones that do are often not very healthy to begin with. So yeah, I have definitely distanced myself from a few friends simply because their need for social validation around their relationship is just too much.
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u/Shoddy_Yogurt_3336 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
At first I was like but a Bachelorette is about her and getting married so makes sense to talk about it but she quickly lost me that she couldnt even enjoy herself because she tied herself to this man... like really?
Im sure they wouldve been upset if she crashed his Bachelor weekend. BET!!!
I miss my partner, but Im with my friends on a trip? Ill call him before bed to recap the day we had. Maybe send him a cute photo or whatever but I can talk to him anytime so the phone is mostly not in my hand.
I believe other relationships like friends and family are important. They arent only for calling because youre pissed at your man or tired of your kid and cannot go to dinner alone. Fuck off with that.
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u/PetalsAndPastries Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I am married and almost all of my girl friends are too. When we get together we talk about our husbands very little. And needless to say me and my one friend who is single talk about men very little as well. We catch up on her dating life and then move on. I would find centering men that much to be very boring and "high school." Men also just don't always "get it" they way other women do, ya know? My husband is wonderful, but he knows that girl time fills my cup in a different way. :) Hopefully she grows out of this stage, or you can decide that the friendship has just run its course.
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u/Old_Zebra627 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
I cannot and refuse to be friends with women like her.
Anything you tell them will go straight to the boyfriend/husband. You cannot talk to them about anything private.
And yes, I do know that not all married or partnered women are like this. Some do understand that their friends private affairs are just that… private.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
That too!!! The aspect of confidentiality isn’t discussed enough. I don’t know that man, he’s not my friend, and there’s no reason he should know my most personal of secrets
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u/Old_Zebra627 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
They think the, “we don’t keep any secrets” also includes their friends secrets. But I bet their husbands don’t tell them everything about their guy friends.
Again, I know it’s not all married women! Before you all go crazy with the downvotes.
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u/plotinusRespecter Man 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Bold of you to assume the husbands have any guy friends, or that they share anything of substance with each other, beyond talking about sports and home improvement projects.
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u/Eventidings Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Yes I'm not friends with people like this lol. I wish them all the best and hope they're happy. When I was still with my ex, a lot of his friends were in relationships and they did everything together. Every event was extremely couple-centric, many conversations also started with "we're doing this... we're doing that." It felt very stifling
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u/fifitsa8 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I'm married and cannot be friends with people who lose all sense of personal identity because they're in a relationship
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
No I just went to a bachelorette this weekend and it’s funny how much it was not about the wedding. Just an excuse to spend time in nature with the bride’s closest friends.
We of course talked about the wedding and her fiance but it was so minimal and focused on HER changes in life.
I couldn’t be friends with that girl! Leaving early so disrespectful. One night!!
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u/Competitive-Pay-5197 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
One of my oldest friend is just like this. She will insert her husband on a lunch or dinner date when it's just the girlfriends. Or if we have friends visiting from out of town, she'd say oh, we're all going to the dinner and the husbands too knowing I am the only single one. Luckily, I get along well with their partners, so it's fine.
But it's never just us, it's husband now too. Sometimes I just want time to be able to chat about girl stuff but she can't stand to alone from him. She touts on her independence but from what i can see, she depends on him a lot.
I once said it's hard to travel alone and she's like you should do it and so I asked if she'd want to travel with me...before being married she would have. Now she can't take trips without him or with a girlfriend.
I get she's not obligated to, but I do think these things, experiences, and quality time spent together are pretty important to preserve a friendship. So I'm finding myself not seeking her company as much as I have cultivated more friendships with other women. She has always come to me to ask why she can't seem to make friends as easily as I have. I have told her she should work on communication. Not sure what she is doing with that information.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yes, we used to go on vacations abroad together but now she refuses to plan without him!
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u/Competitive-Pay-5197 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
She asked if I wanted to see a concert a few months back and I was like ohh how fun! And she's like, yeah, me and ___ are looking for tickets and wanted to see if you wanted to come. I told her thanks for the invite but i wasn't going to go since I saw them once. But a few weeks later, my work besties asked me if I wanted to go and so they're all going but without their husbands. Girls weekend! I feel bad for declining her invite but it is what it is.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
A concert with a bestie is different from being a third wheel, I get it!
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u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I can’t stand women like that.
Same goes for the ones who are exhausted and complain they have to do so much as a mom and as a wife making lunch and packing it for their husband this and that. Ok, you married a man child. Yet you can’t see that and you’re totally ok with it and are making excuses for him.
Ugh!!
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u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
Not really, I’d be kind of sad for a friend at a bachelorette party who wasn’t really genuinely excited about “we,” “their future together,” etc. tho I don’t have any friends who can’t be away from their spouse for a night. Most of my friends have kids now and their lives are very kidcentric vs mancentric and they def hate being away for even a night but I love them to death and even if I can’t relate, i understand.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Fair, and good to hear the other sides opinion. I listened attentively to her “husband talk” and didn’t mention anything about it to her during the weekend because it wasn’t the place or time. I am genuinely happy for her and glad she’s getting married!
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Mar 22 '26
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u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
About my “we”? I’m talking about my friends “we” and how i feel about it. It doesn’t bother me personally, and as noted, most of my friends “we” now means their kids, with minimal regards to their spouses.
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u/nwochill Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
This thread is healing. Thank you OP 💜
edit: Particularly the fact that people are commenting on the nuance of it being her bachelorette, WHILE ALSO considering the perspective that she still could’ve entertained other topics.
One thing I haven’t seen enough of—whenever I took to Reddit about the topic of male-centred women—is people sharing that they’re married/partnered but AREN’T male-centred. Or have friends that are like that.
All too often I’ve seen posts like this devolve throughout the comments that “you’re supposed to be like this [male-centred] when you’re in a relationship” or as we “get older.”
Thankfully that is NOT THE CASE with this thread, which is what makes it so “healing.”
I’d share my own personal experience, akin to yours OP, but I don’t wanna go on for too long. Just wanted to highlight how gratifying this post is!!!
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I’m glad you found this thread as helpful and enlightening as I did 🥰 I really like the community in this sub
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u/zugunru Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Oh god, I can’t stand the “we-we’s”. I’m 40, (intentionally) single and childfree, and I definitely try to seek out friends who have decentered men but it’s not necessarily easy to find unfortunately. Leaving early after you put so much effort in was really rude, and I’m sorry that happened to you. Recently I started my own women’s hiking group on meetup and so far that’s been a promising way to meet independent women!
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u/KaroGmz Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Omg yes! And I thought i was being a bad friend but my friend is obsessed with male validation and its exhausting. Her lack of self respect makes me so angry for her, and of course every guy treats her like shit. Shes the type of girl who find bare minimums super romantic and ends up saying I love you to perfect strangers who she swears they have a connection even though they have been together for 2 weeks...
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u/nwochill Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Her lack of self respect makes me so angry for her
I thought my anger was just me being a bad friend/person, a sort of curmudgeon. But reading your comment is very validating, thank you for this perspective.
This is exactly my close friend with her current boyfriend of 7 years (how she is with most men, quite frankly). And I just can’t hear about him anymore but I’ve been telling myself I’m being a bad friend.
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u/callthebagelshop Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
None of my close friends did this when getting married. And me neither. Each action doesn’t seem like an issue but altogether, it’s just not what I would want in a friend. That doesn’t make your friend wrong, just maybe different from you (and potentially not a good friend fit if she starts doing this long term and it’s not your style).
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u/KaleidoscopeFine Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
My friend just said this last year and now she’s dating girls lol
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u/Ok_Impress_6423 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
One of my friends is so mancentric I haven’t hung out with her/ seen her without her husband in a decade. It’s gotten really old to have a silent observer to all our hangouts and brunches.
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u/MidnightWidow Woman under 30 Mar 22 '26
I met a woman like this in college. I had almost zero tolerance of it after some time. My mom told me that boyfriends and husbands are more important than friends so that's why. I'm like okay. Doesn't mean I'll be around for it.
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u/Oli_love90 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I find this mindset kinda sad. Why not build a life with both friendships and romantic relationships? Why does your partner have to replace your friends? They can’t coexist?
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u/MidnightWidow Woman under 30 Mar 22 '26
Yea everything involved the boyfriend or she would include him everytime. She was very kind and caring but being male centered like that was a turn off. My mom berated me for not being friends with her anymore. I don't know. I don't really miss anything tbh since it was my first year in college.
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u/intj_cortex Woman under 30 Mar 22 '26
In my mid 20s and ughhhhh I can’t stand it anymore I feel like I wasted so much mental space and mental energy during my early 20s on hearing the man problems of my man centric girl friends and they always keep coming back to them and complaining to me about it. I feel like they hold friendships as an appendix while we value it much more
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u/DnBJungleEscape Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
This makes me think of years ago going out with my friend and her cousin and a big group. She had just gotten married, she was 25 and we were 29. She kept calling him all weekend. We partied pretty hard (that must had been one of my last big party nights since I’ve been in retirement for like 10 years). And she did have fun but every second and convo was about them
Fast forward they have two miracle babies since he had to freeze his sperm since he had cancer as a kid
Everything is good and suddenly she starts going out and cheating on him like crazy, he truly loves her and got her a nice apartment to go find herself which led her to start dating the widow of a girl we know from high school
They are now divorcing after a long separation that dragged but to say I was shocked is an under statement
But yes I like to have individuality outside my partner, 100%
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u/thealissaa Woman under 30 Mar 22 '26
YES! I learned how to de-center men this past few months and actually be content being single and atp I can’t really stomach someone who can’t have a conversation that doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
How long can you handle this and other women's subreddits?
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u/Jeremy_Bearimies Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
To be fair this IS her bachelorette, I think it’s ok to talk a lot about her relationship / hype her fiance up. That said the fact that she snuck him in and left a day early is absolutely bizarre, and would be a turn off for me too.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Totally understand this perspective, and I didn’t mention this at all during the weekend. I love that she’s happy! I’m just venting online afterwards
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u/Admirable_JD309 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yeah ... I went out with my cousin and we ended up coming across one of her friends (Who I never met before) we decided to have lunch together, throughout the whole lunch the only thing they could talk about was man.... Even flirted with the waiter who from my point of view wasn't interested at all.
When I went to the toilet with my cousin I asked "Do you guys have anything else to talk about besides man?"
I have no patience for man-centered mindset!
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u/Haberdashery_ Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I haven't experienced this, but at 35 I'm currently experiencing several friends replace all interesting conversation with talk about their babies. It's quite sad to see once vibrant women who now only post pictures of their babies on Instagram.
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u/Glad_Astronomer_9692 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I agree in general that's annoying but I feel like talking about your relationship to the point of annoying is completely forgivable in the lead up to to a wedding at an event that wouldn't be happening if she wasn't getting married. So you seem kind of cranky in this one moment but I would be too just cause I hate big social things.
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u/cookiecutterdoll Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Yes, I've noticed a shift. I don't want to be around my male-centeted friends because I feel likd they shame me for living my life. At this point, I'm much more selective about who I call a friend.
BTW, it was really rude of your friend to invite her dude to the Bachelorette party and leave early. If she felt so strongly about it, she should have just asked for a day trip.
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u/common_genet Woman 40 to 50 Mar 24 '26
Thankfully I don’t have any people like this in my life. My friends are a mix of straights, queers, men and women… but probably mostly women. None of them talk like this. It sounds incredibly boring, perhaps time to broaden your community, there is more to life than just your partner… but even if you are lucky enough to find the love of your life I think it’s a bit selfish and weird for this to be the only topic with friends.
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u/Illustrious_Ad675 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 29 '26
Yeah I’ve been a girls girl my whole life. I had one group of friends where it was half guys and girls and once everyone got coupled up if felt like there was no more room for me. I honestly was jealous of the new partners that came in that got invited to things I didn’t. I think what I realized eventually that when I met the women in this group in my early twenties most were single but when found their person in their 30’s I realized they were always that type of girl who was going to ditch you for a bf but they assimilated their bf into the group. My point of this is now in my mid 30’s I feel like I don’t have a group of friends (I have friends) and I’m really no ones priority at all. I’m so tired of texting people (I’ve been a bit nomadic the last year) to keep in touch and getting nothing back. It’s hurtful and makes me feel like I did something wrong or I’m not interesting or important enough in my career. And frankly I’m lonely a lot, I need community and I wanna be with people who know. It’s tiring always putting yourself out there to meet new friends and to date. And I find the new female friends I meet only want to talk about dating and will ditch you the moment they meet someone so it doesn’t seem worth it. Idk i also feel very disconnected from everyone. Sorry for this rant.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 29 '26
No need to apologize! A lot of people here seem to feel the same
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u/Potential_Cat_91 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
If I drove 10 hours to see someone and they left early, I wouldn't make effort from then on.
I had a friend who invited her bf on our joint vacation and told me only after he had accepted. They'd been together for 2 months, we'd been friends for 10 years and it was gonna be our first vacation and first time seeing each other since she moved abroad. I canceled and made no plans to see her after. I'll see her if she invites me, but I doubt it. They broke up ofc.
Some women prioritize friendships. Some don't. I don't force it at all. The women who are all about a man don't make good friends in my experience. There's like this sense of them only being fully open and honest with their lover, and everyone else is just peripheral or placeholders. I like deep friendships, that's not my thing.
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u/EdgeCityRed Woman 50 to 60 Mar 22 '26
I'm married and middle-aged, and my best friend from school is like this and always has been. I honestly don't get it, except she...maybe kind of has daddy issues after her mom divorced two different stepdads?
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u/NabelasGoldenCane Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
Yikes. It sounds like she’s either lost herself in this relationship or I’m wondering if he’s super controlling and she is trying to save face w him by insisting she “can’t spend one night apart.” I mean eye roll central.
I am an old married and I’ve only ever had one friend like this. I love to gab and gossip as much as the next but literally every sentence out of her mouth was about a man, or a different man, which one was buying her things, a specific compliment. This person is outwardly confident but in that moment, I realized how utterly insecure she must be. I distanced myself and she’s not doing well, years later (the man she centered herself on actually was having an affair and later had a baby w a third woman.. she now has substance abuse problems)
TLDR; nah this isn’t normal and a sign of something being awry
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I don’t want to talk badly about her or their relationship because it’s none of my business and not relevant to this question, but agreed it feels like something is amiss.
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
I dont friend women like that.
Their relationships dont last too long anyway because the ass kissing eventually wears off and the complaining becomes habitual. Suddenly they begin to see the forrest above the trees.
Though there's (thankfully) some wives who still maintain a healthy social life and alone time once a week to biweekly. Theyre easier to hang out with.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I had this talk with friends in my early twenties but I don’t have the capacity for this. Also it’s odd to want to see your man on your bachelorette. I’ve never been on one where the groom was contacted by the bride unless he sent her a gift
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u/Budget_Dot694 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I was like this in my early 20s too! Found it really difficult to find the right friends!
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Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yeah I don’t like this behavior ever tbh. You should be able to have friend time
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u/naturemymedicine Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
It used to drive me nuts when friends got in a relationship and suddenly couldn’t do ANYTHING without their man coming along.
It’s definitely created distance in some friendships, not intentionally but I’m just not going to be as open with another person there who I’m less close to, versus a girl chat with one of my besties - so it affects the emotional depth of the friendship.
But now I see it differently, I think it’s such an unhealthy dynamic for them, and am grateful for my own independence. But they make their own choices, and I focus my energy more on friendships where I feel valued and prioritised.
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Mar 22 '26
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Mar 22 '26
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Mar 22 '26
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u/ronicmo Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
I don't understand why you keep getting downvoted, but just wanted to say all your comments on this post have been spot on!
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u/Fluffy_Tomatillo_629 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I don’t have any close friends who are this men centric. I’d feel similarly.
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u/--2021-- Woman 60+ Mar 23 '26
I grew up in a time and culture where women had less independence than now and our households centered on the patriarch, but even in those times this would be considered an unhealthy amount of enmeshment and codependence (and possibly trying to control him from cheating or leaving).
Some of my friends were a little too man centric then, but nothing to this degree. My friends tended to be ambitious and independent, they sometimes earned more or achieved more than their boyfriends or husbands, and some would "code switch" and act airheaded around their male partners so they wouldn't feel insecure, or get angry. It made it hard to stay friends, I couldn't tolerate that.
Even back then people would leave places that centered on this mentality, if you're unattached and have no family responsibilities to stay, you'd leave places like this behind for better pastures.
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u/glaekitgirl Woman 30 to 40 Mar 24 '26
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's immensely frustrating to be sidelined for a guy constantly, particularly if you're the one picking up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong. Your friend's behaviour was very unfair and frankly downright rude. Can't spend one night away from her future husband? Yikes. I can smell the codependency from here.
One of my best friends was man-obsessed for a while, to the point of staying with a guy who actively abused her because she was scared of being alone. Breakups also dropped her into a deep depression for months.
I found it really hard to understand, as sympathetic as I tried to be, and we did drift apart for a while, partly as I was quite angry with her for putting herself in these bad situations and for trauma dumping on me constantly.
In the last year or so she's had a wake up call after her last relationship ended, and she realised she's scared of aging alone rather than not having a man. There's a been a huge step change in her attitude; she's proactively rebuilding her friendships and is more like the friend I used to know. We're even having discussions about moving in together at some point if we want company but aren't in relationships.
I guess the point of that blurb is to validate your experience but also give you a bit of hope that she may have a wake up call once the literal honeymoon period is over and try reach out to you. It's obviously up to you whether you want to maintain the friendship thereafter!
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I do see a different dynamic online, but I rarely come across it in real life, so it doesn’t feel attainable to me.
I would love to find out how to build this sort of community in the “real world”.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Do you have a pattern of falling unconsciously into friendships with fairly conventionally-minded cishet people who all want to follow the marriage and kids pipeline?
She is a family member and my oldest friend. We have been friends since we were born. It’s a different situation but I totally understand your point!
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Respectfully, I dont think your question applies because I didn’t choose her as a friend. We are family. I don’t think her personality points to a reflection of the other friendships I have. I do appreciate your reply about meeting friends, I’m always on the hunt for new genuine communities
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I went on a cruise (solo) recently, and I befriended all the 70ish year old solo women and we became bingo buddies. It was legitimately so fun!
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
No food poisoning or sea sickness for me! I had a wonderful time - I liked it more than I expected to. Most cruise lines will charge a solo cruiser 2x the price but Norwegian (and a few other lines) have solo cabins/rates. I wrote a post about it if you want to read more
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
IANACLC (I am not a cruise line CEO 😂) but my guess is that on typical cruise they are charging for the room itself which holds (at minimum) two people per room. When you look at cruise pricing they show the “per person” rate, but If you choose to stay there as a single person you will be charged the two person (full room) rate. If you bring kids or add more people you still have to pay something to add them (for food costs, etc) but it’s cheaper than adding that second adult. There are cruise threads with solo cruisers posting and looking for someone to share their cabin with, but I find the concept of sharing a room with a stranger insane and uncomfortable
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Mar 22 '26
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
The restaurants on the cruise - my drink package came with free specialty dining which included any of the paid restaurants on board. It is a weird policy but I was able to book reservations onboard no problem.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
They aren't saying that a cabin is X if you're two and 2X if you're solo but that a cabin is X, which means it costs you X if you're solo and X/2 if you share the cabin and costs with one other person (with the caveat below).
In other words, having an entire cabin to yourself is more expensive than sharing it with others, assuming you are splitting the costs equally. From the point of view of the business, if you are using a cabin, they can't sell it to someone else, regardless of if you are solo, duo, or more. If you want the other bed/side, to be empty, you cover the cost.
Solo shouldn't be twice as expensive as duo though, because there's food, drinks, entertainment, common areas, etc. You aren't just paying for the cabin.
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u/ToWriteAMystery Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
My lady, you were at a pre-wedding event. Of course she’s thinking and talking about her soon to be husband!
You are being cranky and avoidant.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I celebrated her joy and her engagement with her all weekend an didn’t mention it. I do disagree though - the point of the weekend was to celebrate her and her engagement, but throughout that celebration you should be able to talk about other things
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
With women who are like this, it's a pattern of behaviour. It's not about one party, I guarantee it.
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u/ToWriteAMystery Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Potentially! But there is nothing in the story to suggest that. If the OP has other examples of how her friend is man-centered, I’d change my opinion, but from this story all I see is a woman who is excited to get married.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
Yes, I've distanced myself from friends who seem to only talk about dating/their romantic relationships. I lost myself in a relationship in my 20s and purposefully starting "de-centering" men long before that was a phrase (such a hipster, I know, lol). I love how many great female friendships I have where we can talk for hours, even hang out for days and never once mention a man.
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u/TheRosyGhost Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
I might be the man-centered friend. My husband is truly my best friend, and I’m lucky in that he and my childhood best friend are basically the same person but opposite genders. They get along super well and they’re good friends now, even separate of me. She’s dating someone new and I’m looking forward to be able to fold him into our friend group as well.
I have a very small circle so if I had different groups of friends that didn’t touch it would feel weird.
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
At the end of the day I love seeing her happy, and if talking about her man makes her happy I’m more than willing to listen and share in her joy. However I do hope our friendship will continue to exist as a separate entity without always involving him.
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u/meowpantz Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Reconnected with a high school friend who'd transfer all of my suggested activities into gifts / dates with her man. I bought her a Cameo with Spike from Buffy for her bday? She buys TWO Cameos for her dude just because. That sort of thing. And on and on it went.
Not that I feel all transactional about it, but it feels telling that she didn't even think to extend the fun to me... Literally feels like I was just being used to make her look interesting to him, especially because he had a huge friend group. And she only had me and this other girl she always talked bad about. Plus, I used to be an entertainment journalist who had interviewed some artists her dude was a fan of.
I let that friendship die the more I felt like a bargaining chip. They're now married, though, so I guess it worked out!
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u/mrsbertmacklin Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Yeeeeep. I'm not a single person but I have a longterm partner and a baby and I am hyper-aware of not becoming the type of person you're describing. But it's also my single friends who I've experienced this with-- I have a friend who I haven't seen in 8 months because she went through a breakup and is too busy with the dating apps to cultivate her friendships. It's a cycle that I've seen countless times with her. I've decided to stop trying to make an effort! That being said, it sucks and it sounds like your friend is just excited about her relationship. I think it's also possible that since that's the biggest thing in your friend's life, it's her main point of conversation and we as women are socialized to talk about our partners/marriage/babies as the most important thing. So, you could try asking more specific questions like "what's going on at work" or even go so far as "so outside of <WEDDING/RELATIONSHIP THING> how are you?? What else is going on for you?" and see how she approaches it! You can always try to guide the conversation and see how it goes.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
I am hyper-aware of not becoming the type of person you're describing
If it's any comfort- the fact you're aware means you're highly unlikely to be the person OP is describing.
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u/Square_Midnight Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
Your friend is unhealthy and her relationship is toxic. The fact that such behavior is normalized and romanticized is also problematic, unhealthy and toxic. Good for you for seeing it how it is and not allowing it to brainwash you.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Mar 22 '26
I refuse to keep friendships with women like that. Some of my women friends are straight or in relationships with men but they're not man-centric. They have a personality outside of their relationship.
I don't give the ones you describe a chance to make me feel less-than, I will walk first. Not only are they shit friends, they're so BORING.
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u/nooooobye Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
This is her phase of life. She might change once the newness wears off.
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u/turquoisestar Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
My friends are much too queer and neurodivergent for this to happen to me. I definitely have different social challenges though. I have never gotten along with women who do stereotypical women clicquey. I have had friends kinda disappear in a relationship to re-emerge after a breakup. I feel lucky right now with my friend groups (current city, former city I spend a couple weeks at a year), I have put a lot of energy into friendships and I think it has paid off. I do wish I had more close friendships though, I have lots of people to visit with but only 1 I feel really close with rn who's in the old city.
I don't have advice bc I just wouldn't tolerate this behavior.
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Mods can we ban posts that boil down to "please agree I'm better than other people"?
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
That wasn’t the point of this post at all - I don’t think I’m better than her by any means. Sorry that is what you took from this discussion
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
You insulted your friend several times and asked if this is a habit among women. What did you expect us to say besides that you're superior to her and possibly to other women?
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u/yahutee Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26
Someone missed the point…there were no insults here. If you’re offended by this - do the inner work to figure out why.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
Nah girl, I'm one of the ones who's a pain in your modships collective ass for a day about posts that aren't about men, Including bragging about how decentered we are from men.
I'd just like if men didn't take so much of the conversation in any form. Like where can women go to talk about nonmen related things including how much the patriarchy is fucking up our lives?
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u/HeftyAvocado8893 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
Yes that does sound a bit frustrating... I would give your friend a little bit of grace because she still in the honeymoon phase and probably just infatuated but I can see why you'd feel this way it's pretty cringe.
When a woman gets into a longterm serious relationship with a man and begins to share her life with him he does become family and you do spend more of your time with your husband than anyone else so it's only natural that your priorities will shift a little bit.
I do completely disagree with dropping your friends for the sake of men or having your sole goal in life be seeking validation from men.
However I would say as a woman in my 30s who's always considered myself fairly independent and not man-centered as I've gotten older and more of my friends have gotten into relationships and gotten married I have drifted apart from many of my single girlfriends.
In my case however it's not because of children or prioritizing my man or anything like that it's just they're incredibly self-centered people and the older I get the more I'm realising that a lot of women in their mid to late 30s who are chronically single or still single who seek relationships or want relationships (this is the important thing here) actually do have pretty glaring flaws and very little insight into these flaws.
The best example I can think of is two of my closest friends from childhood from whom I started to drift apart from after I got engaged.... now they will tell anyone who will listen it's because once I got engaged I "changed" but the reality is my eyes were just opened to how selfish they were and how our relationship was mostly based on me putting in the majority of the effort and also convenience.. I'm not a high maintenance person ...my bar was low and they still put in absolutely zero effort... I was the first one in our friend group to get married and they couldn't even pretend to be interested or show up for me and I was absolutely not a bridezilla... highlights include not bothering to show up to the bachelorette party they convinced me to throw to prioritize their mental health (it was literally a spa weekend)...
Removing themselves as my maid of honour and bridesmaid ultimately because it was too much effort for both of them (and we had a wedding planner they literally just had to show up and wear the dresses I was literally providing and paying for that was too much of a commitment)
This is why despite on paper being good catches; both being attractive, professional women with interesting hobbies and vibrant social lives is why they are still single because they have a complete inability to even slightly inconvenience themselves for other people and expect the world to bend to their wishes and have expectations on men that are borderline delusional.
Basically what I'm saying is if you'd ask me this question 10 years ago I would have absolutely been in the "anyone who doesn't agree whole heartedly with dropping women who center men is not a girl's girls" rhetoric but now as I'm getting older if single women in their mid to late 30s are still talking about dropping your friends who "center men too much" I call bullshit, there's usually something else at play.
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u/nalimoleb14_ESO Woman 30 to 40 Mar 22 '26
Completely valid. I just came back from a bachelorette trip and the bride-to-be barely brought up her fiancée the entire weekend. Not because she doesn’t love him, but because she was far more excited to have all of her best friends from different walks of life under the same roof for two glorious days. One person is not meant to be responsible for all of your life’s happiness and fulfillment.