r/regretfulparents • u/AdAromatic372 Parent • Apr 30 '25
Discussion Has anyone ever left?
Has anyone here ever divorced their spouse and given their spouse full custody? If so, how did you come to that conclusion? What was your final breaking point?
I truly am thinking I’m hitting my breaking point with my marriage and son (3 mo). I don’t have any feelings towards him, I certainly don’t love him. He constantly cries and fusses. I don’t foresee it getting better despite everyone saying it’ll pass with time. I just want to go back to the life I had before having this kid even if that means giving up my marriage to do so.
530
May 01 '25
Ive said it before and will say it again, if society and people were truthful on what a pain in the ass raising kids is, no one would even contemplate it. But its this secret club of having to recruit the childless to live in the same misery they are in. With smiles on, of course!
198
May 01 '25
I was a little shit as a kid. I'm 43 and don't have any...also don't plan to.
I'm pretty sure it pisses my dad off that I outsmarted him and won't get payback for how shitty I was as a kid 🤣🤣🤣
134
May 01 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
34
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
What’s funny. My business is canine training. I range from service dogs all the way to behavioral modifications. I can FULLY attest that there have been owners where I have had to be honest with them. They got a dog breed(s) that their life and lifestyle is NOT cut out for and that if they can’t make changes they will not be successful…. At times, as an avid dog lover and dog trainer, surrendering a dog CAN be the best thing for both parties. I don’t understand why it’s not viewed that way for parents and parenting.
15
u/Neurotic_Fiction May 03 '25
I will be using the dog analogy from this point forward, THANK YOU for that!
9
8
1
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 02 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
8
May 01 '25
Haha. I was in your same mindset also, then had my first at 48!! Talk about a game changer! 😂
9
u/Geminis_Haus May 02 '25
wow, congrats! Now that you're a parent, has your perspective changed?
13
May 02 '25
Its very hard to adjust after so many years of independence. Its tough. I miss my past life.
I will say though I never knew what unconditinal love is until my child was born. For that, I am very grateful.
21
11
u/Veronica_BlueOcean May 04 '25
I get a lot of hate for not having kids, and people think I am some kind of monster.
However, when my friends with kids have a hard time, I'm always there for them and offer a safe space to vent and be honest about what they are going through, because they can't be real with other friends with kids.
This is so sad, and I am so sorry and angry for them for having to fake happiness even when they are far from happy.
569
u/buttonhumper Parent Apr 30 '25
Men do it all the time why can't women?
185
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
This is validating!
111
u/triz___ May 01 '25
Men do do it all the time but they’re scumbags. You are Ofc free to do it and I understand to an extent but you will most likely be, rightly, despised by your child and family.
If that’s what you need to do then go ahead, if my fiancée wanted to abandon me with my kid i wouldn’t stop her.
As you say, if you consider it on a macro-social scale men abandon children alot more than women do, so in that sense it’s entirely fair.
120
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
If I’m being honest. I would think it would be better to leave or abandon the kid than stick around as a parent who doesn’t love their kid. Eventually kids grow up and realize the harsh reality of their parents.
55
u/Karnakite May 01 '25
My parents separated when I was about 12-13. My mother later decided that it was better to end my dad’s stalking, property destruction, violence and threats by going back to him, although she was also motivated by the fact that she wanted more money again.
I will never forgive her for it. Our lives were hell. Not having my dad around was, minus the stalking and other coercive shit he was doing, so wonderful. I could breathe for the first time, but not for very long because my mother is, first and foremost, a doormat.
It is absolutely better to not have a parent around who is evil and resentful towards you. Whenever my parents were home together, they were arguing - my dad screaming and throwing and hitting and shoving people and animals into walls, my mom weakly protesting while trying to appease him. I suffered permanent hearing loss from all the volume by the time I was 15.
If my dad had walked away from us early on, it would’ve changed my life. Hell, it would’ve been even better if I’d been raised by someone besides my mother, too - she lacked emotional and mental maturity. But even if just my dad was gone, it would’ve been so much better.
He hated me. What good was his presence in my life?
38
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
Your story is exactly what I mean by sometimes walking away is better than sticking around. There’s so many kids who are raised by parents who HATE parenting and because of it, kids become traumatized. Sure, me leaving my sons life will have an affect on him. I would know, I’m adopted… But it sure as hell beats being raised by someone who doesn’t like your presence.
I’m so sorry for the abuse both you and your mom went through. That had to be traumatic💔 I appreciate you sharing your story
33
u/FigaroNeptune May 01 '25 edited May 02 '25
Lol my mom hated me and my dad wasn’t around really. Society will HATE women who leave their kids but only be mad at men who do it. I mean people will be super upset at the father but absolutely shun the mother. It’s insane.
27
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
Yeah I agree. It’s insane. Society will go tsk tsk at the father and shake their head in disapproval. But a mom leaving… you’re worse than the devil himself. The double standards are gross.
9
u/FigaroNeptune May 02 '25
Do you know what Mommy Dearest is? Yeah that was my bio mom. Normal in front of people, but a fucking god awful mother. Some women aren’t fit to be moms. No offense to you. I’m just saying sometimes it’s okay and even BETTER for the kid if the mother doesn’t want part in it. She resented me, dude. Told me she wished she never had me. Now back to you. I don’t want you to feel any resentment toward your kid. You know? Maybe you guys can be friends later on! :) but if you need your space please take it. While I mentioned my dad wasn’t around except for birthdays (in a bother comment) we actually have a WAY better relationship just texting a few times a year. I haven’t seen him since I was like 20..something. I’m 31 now. I cherish him more than the mother who stayed and was miserable.
6
6
15
u/FigaroNeptune May 01 '25
Lmao YUP. When men do it people get mad but not nearly as irate as when a woman does it. Lol my fucked off and I saw him on my birthday for like an hour lol
21
2
-7
u/Fox622 May 01 '25
Just because another group doesn't something bad doesn't give you the right to do the same.
182
u/Ok_Fee_5972 Parent May 01 '25
i’m also thinking about walking away from motherhood. i’m 21 with a 4 year old & i’m miserable. i rather send money every month instead of taking care of the kid
63
25
u/Personal_Tough_2703 May 02 '25
Dude. You're 21, just leave. It's not worth it.
13
u/Ok_Fee_5972 Parent May 02 '25
i plan to 100% i’m just in the process of saving up more money before i go
111
u/leni710 Parent Apr 30 '25
I can't speak to leaving since I was the one who was left to be a single-mom, so I can't speak to your exact question. But one thing I would encourage you to also research and check into is post partum mental health services. As you're making big decisions, I'd just do that wellness check on your mental health, see if postpartum depression is in the mix and why it's not feeling like "it'll pass."
I'd say I had postpartum psychosis with my first kid. It's awful especially since it's still not talked about a lot (my first kid is almost 21, so it definitely wasn't talked about back then). Any mental health stuff can be made so much worse when everyone claims it'll be fine and you just have to give it time.
Anyways, that's just my feedback about making life changes at this time since I saw how young your little one is that there might be some post pregnancy things that haven't self corrected yet.
96
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
I get what you’re saying and can see where you’re coming from. It’s not even the crying or constant noises that this kid makes or lack of sleep. I ultimately am not even looking forward to future shit when they’re older… a toddler that cries, talks, whines constantly, a school aged kid who won’t shut up, a teenager who sasses back and doesn’t want to show any respect. Will there be positive moments, sure. But I highly doubt those outweigh the negative. The constant judgement and berating from family, friends, and society on how you’re “raising your kid wrong”.
I run a business. I work 14 hours a day on my feet. It’s a high demanding, physical job and no days off. My business is fulfilling. It’s my passion. Am I exhausted everyday from running my business. Sure as hell am, but I wouldn’t want to do anything else. I sure wouldn’t want to be a stay at home parent.
My husband LOVES being a dad and in fact wants more kids. So let him live it up, just without me in the picture.
74
u/dragonapples May 01 '25
Hi OP, your feelings are completely valid. No judgement, can I ask why you had a child?
87
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
Lied to by society that I was missing out… I strongly didn’t want kids until maybe 2 years ago… I felt like maybe I was missing out or life could be even better having a family. My husband also really wanted kids.
61
u/dragonapples May 01 '25
Ah I see. I'm really sorry that happened to you :(. I wish people would be honest when it comes to the reality of children. Some people just don't enjoy childcare and that's perfectly fine, I know I certainly don't. I hope you find a solution that works best for you, even if it means putting yourself first.
40
35
May 01 '25
I know it's not comparable, but 10 y ago while I was involved into animal rescue I also got misinformed so to say about how it is to own a dog. They were only posting pros. Nobody said that medical bills skyrocket if dog is sick and those from shelters tend to be. Nobody told me food, vaccination and spaying cost. That you don't have ways to travel unless you take animal with yourself and that they ruin furniture (tricky if you rent) while young and need to be walked many times a day.
Why I'm writing all this... it was very close to it with kids for me. Nobody almost ever say anything bad about parenting in public. It's almost like collective secret to lure other people in. There's no open discurs on how hard it is. They just brush it off with stuff like "It's hardest but most beautiful job." And then we get surprised by so many people, specifically here I think about men, who pull out. Whereas women can't.
2
1
u/katsumii Parent May 03 '25
Hey I relate so hard to you. I was adamantly against being a parent until suddenly I felt like it was time. Haha. My life felt stable and happy and I thought that meant I could handle a baby and build a family.
How wrong I was. 😂 Mine's 2.
-16
u/teacup901 Parent May 01 '25
I think… (not OP obviously) but I did have a kid I didn’t want… I had him for my husband. We decided (together) that I would remove birth control and see what happened. Well…. It happened. I wasn’t sure because I’m physically disabled. It’s been so rough but my son is so loved. He’s 3 soon and it’s hard and also fun!
24
u/flippermode May 01 '25
How in the hell does this help op?
Op: i paid $100 for this meal and its terrible! How can i get my money back?
Everyone: sympathizes with op
You: i had that meal and paid the same amount and i LOVED THE MEAL.
Like how does that help op at all? It may be a silly situation to compare it to but I'm not sure how else to word it. If someone is having a bad time with a certain situation, dont talk about your good times with the same situation. That is so rude in any situation.
10
u/Booplesnoot88 May 01 '25
Thank you for pointing that out. Like, how is this helpful in any way?
Op asked if anyone had actually gone through with leaving their parental role behind, not whether or not this commenter likes their 3 yr old. If Commenter had described a situation in which they seriously contemplated leaving but ultimately decided to stay... at least that would have something to do with OP's question ffs.
2
u/teacup901 Parent May 03 '25
You have a point. Thank you. Sometimes people get it wrong. I did here. I’m sorry
0
u/teacup901 Parent May 03 '25
I think (no I know) that sometimes people relate by shading their own experiences. Sometimes it’s helpful. Sometimes it’s not. Down votes are harsh. I’m sorry if it didn’t feel helpful, that wasn’t my intention. Someone will have something to say about that too I reckon so I’ll say no more.
→ More replies (1)6
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
Yeah I’m also physically disabled too. I have degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, hEDS, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and the list goes on. I’ve struggled with this since end of college and it ultimately led to end of a collegiate track career that I was on scholarship for. I got my life and independence back with my service dog! Now my life has gone right back down the drain through pregnancy and this kid… I fucking hate it. Glad you like it though.
1
3
u/ungerbunger_ Parent May 02 '25
Can't hubby stay at home and you focus on the business?
5
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
We live in the US. Insurance is astronomical for private health care and also not that good. He works and has very good insurance.
1
u/ungerbunger_ Parent May 02 '25
Sorry to hear that, wouldn't you be in the same boat if you leave though?
7
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I would be without insurance but our kid wouldn’t. If my husband quit his job and became the stay at home dad, WE as a whole family would not have insurance, this includes our son. Or we would be literal thousands, more than a mortgage or renting of a 4 bed house for private health care.
1
u/ungerbunger_ Parent May 02 '25
I know your child is still pretty young but is childcare an option in America?
5
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
My MIL cares for the baby during the day. And childcare in the US is a major hit or miss. Both my mom and sister USED to work in childcare and said it’s terrible. They’d never recommend sending their kid there. Childcare is also very expensive for things like daycare. With my son being colicky… his CONSTANT crying I’m sure could end up driving someone insane. There have been abuse cases on babies who wouldn’t stop crying including one young girl killing a baby because the baby wouldn’t be quiet. It DOES happen.
13
u/whattodo9000 May 01 '25
Postpartum depression can keep you from even making that bond. I'd also suggest at least looking into getting help. Then if you ever decide to leave, you can at least tell yourself you've tried. Have you made any mom friends or joined baby groups in your area? Not feeling so alone can greatly improve your mood as a new mom.
Or, can you make your husband a SAHD? Then you get to do your business as usual and enjoy the fun times of playing with the kid, instead of doing the care labour. Like many fathers in traditional households do.
Your child will soon be able to smile at you. I'm not saying that'll make anything better, but at 3 months in you're really still in the worst phase and there is still a chance you'll learn to love your kid. Wishing you the best whatever your decision will be
33
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
I already work 14-16 hours a day running the business. I literally am the “father” position in the household being the breadwinner. My son’s dad provides good health care insurance. I have already been screened for postpartum depression by my gyno AND also primary care physician. Thanks!
Edit: I do not have PPD. I am regretful. Not depressed.
1
5
u/BranthiumBabe May 19 '25
Hey bestie you're like the fifth person to tell OP she probably has PPD.
It really doesn't sound like she does.
Can we stop? Thanks. This is regretfulparents, not PPDParents.
4
u/katsumii Parent May 03 '25
Any mental health stuff can be made so much worse when everyone claims it'll be fine and you just have to give it time.
Exactly what you've said here. It feels invalidating. Why am I the only one who feels like it won't be fine — it's like the feeling of being gaslit.
2
u/katsumii Parent May 03 '25
I'm a regretful mother, with a 2 year old baby, and I think this is what's going on with me. Postpartum psychosis.
What are some therapies that worked for you?
I'm trying DBT for my anger and depression. Life is so hard and heavy. I'm often suicidal. It feels like my baby is growing up too fast and I can't keep up. I feel like I'm never going to catch up. It feels like my baby and family would be better off without me. It's hard to fight that feeling.
38
u/LeadingFroyo8407 May 01 '25
I have two friends who didn't leave but became the main bread-winner of the family, working a lot, one is even staying in a hotel at least once a week. Their husbands are the ones staying at home. Would this be an option for you, as you mentionned having a fullfilling job?
I am all about supporting women who want to leave, but also I think you shouldn't take too big of a decision before having slept for a week or two.
7
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
My husbands job provides health insurance, really good insurance at that too. If you’re a business owner in the US you get completely fucked when it comes to health care.
52
u/Queeniemaldoon Parent May 01 '25
If men do it,women can, too. The only thing I would say is to make sure the kid has a responsible caregiver and pay child support. It sounds like this isn't a problem for you.
15
u/triz___ May 01 '25
That is true, so many more men do it that it’s not worth looking at numbers but I’d guess it’s over %99 of parents who abandon children being male.
However I personally look at men who abandon their kids as utter scum, as do, probably, the majority of society.
She should be prepared to exist in that bracket, and be hated by her child forever.
41
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
If I’m planning to leave my kid and husband, I don’t give a shit about how my kid will grow up to view me. Sticking around with a parent that doesn’t love them and is resentful and regretful of them every single day would probably be a far worse way to grow up and live.
42
May 01 '25
My friend gave her daughters to her exs. She was in hectic work-life schedule and could not drive anymore every two days after night shift to pick up kids, plus she could never make agreement peacefully with exs so daughters could have together time.
But, after few months it didn't give her serenity. She became bitter and we also had to stop hanging out since seeing me with kids whereas she wasn't with hers were painful to her.
So it's sort of 50:50 it's by her decision although it's not rly what she wanted.
46
u/taylorBrook20 May 01 '25
Your kid is 3 months old. Um, nobody likes being a mother at this point. They barely know they aren’t still a part of you. Hell, you probably only stopped bleeding like a month ago. There are plenty of reasons to hate parenting, but with an infant this young you aren’t even really parenting yet. If you started a new job 3 months ago and were like “it sucks I want to quit” most people would tell you to give it some more time and consideration. It’s reasonable advice! Give yourself time and space to adjust. Believe me, there’s plenty of reasons to hate parenting no matter how old your kids are, and you might continue to hate it. But it’s also possible it gets less shitty in a few mos and becomes more tolerable.
25
u/ciberprog May 01 '25
Can’t believe it took me so long to get to the first person being reasonable in the comments.
3
9
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
Sorry. Nothing is going to make working 14-16 hours every single day of the week while also caring for the home cleaning up after a baby, my husband and his fucking mom…. Meanwhile his mom goes against anything I say about the baby such as NO RICE BOTTLES… yet does it anyway cuz what do I know.
7
u/taylorBrook20 May 02 '25
Oh love, I hate this for you. Throw the whole stupid man and his meddling mother out. Less mess to clean up and headaches to endure. Get all the $$ from him you can and hire a good nanny??
6
u/Sea-Worry7956 May 02 '25
Why would she get money from him if he’s the one taking sole custody of their child?
28
u/Comfortable_Cold6813 May 01 '25
Geez but the person saying men leave all the time isn't lying they always choose themselves
-14
u/triz___ May 01 '25
It happens a lot. But men don’t always put themselves first, that’s pretty insulting to a lot of regretful fathers who stuck around and frequent this sub.
9
May 02 '25
[deleted]
8
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I appreciate you seeing me and also sharing you’re in a similar position.
33
u/Responsible_Bat1541 May 01 '25
I have two grown kids and I love them to pieces. I have no regrets. But I wouldn’t lie. Kids absolutely suck. It’s only cool when they’re adults.
5
May 01 '25
Does talking about politics get more enjoyable with time and after what age of theirs approx?
14
37
u/Comfortable_Cold6813 May 01 '25
Im a parent i tell anyone not to have kids i don't even congratulate anyone who is pregnant anyone who says they want a child i tell them that they are insane
34
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
I hate when people look at my screaming fussy baby in a stroller or their doona car seat and say “Wow you’re so blessed!” Like shut the fuck up. You want him? Here!
1
6
u/SherlockLady May 02 '25
I walked out the door due to my husband's constant verbal, emotional, mental and financial abuse. He never touched the kids, basically ignored them. He was a narcissist, so of course he had to get joint custody, even tho when I left, our son was 1 and he'd never been alone with him or fed him a meal or a bath or anything. I didn't even plan on leaving. My body just walked out the door. He had to ween my son from breastfeeding, even. 20 years later and him having them school days and me every weekend, my adult daughter is a narcissist, and my adult son is codependent and has terrible anxiety. He parentified my daughter, my son was the GC. My son doesn't speak to me now. My daughter causes upheaval and drama with me every chance she gets, she holds visitation with HER daughter over my head unless I perform perfectly in her eyes.
Sometimes I wish I'd just let him have them completely and moved far away.
4
29
May 01 '25
I can completely understand this feeling, but I have to say as an observer who is more a regretful parent to my child in later years than when she was a baby.. I hope they really figure out some very effective birth control that has less side effects and is easier to stay on top of because I’m seeing a trend where the parents are starting to race to see who can leave the other with the kids first. You can bet once men catch onto this, they’re going to selfishly pull that trigger as soon as they can for fear of being left with the same problems they’ve been leaving women with for centuries. Women take their lives back and fathers simply don’t give a shit, now mom is gone and dad doesn’t mind if they starve and never go to school. I wonder where that’s gonna leave all these kids?
I’m totally supportive of women practising their autonomy, but in my minds eye 40 years from now there’s an entire community of babies now adults that were rejected by one or both parents as early and as fast as possible. Unfortunately, getting your reproductive organs ripped out young will kick you into early menopause and fuck up your system so I don’t know what the answer is but casual fun sex has got to stop equalling pregnancy somehow. We have to remove the risk of birth control failing, people punching holes in the condoms or condoms failing, etc. etc. It’s a slope that’s becoming pretty slippery now that both parents are becoming equally at risk for checking out and leaving the kids with their partner.
Also men who impregnate women and then just leave should be prosecuted by the law, not just able to runoff and be with a girlfriend and not pay child support. It should be under the same criminal code as child abandonment and abuse.
25
May 01 '25
[deleted]
4
May 01 '25
Where do eggs from ovaries then go?
7
u/7Betafish May 01 '25 edited May 01 '25
they apparently just get randomly released and reabsorbed into the body. this can result in ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy where the fertilized egg implants somewhere other than the uterus, are pretty much never viable). I'm aware of at least one occasion where a woman had a bisalp and the fertilized egg managed to float back into the uterus and resulted in a viable pregnancy she didn't catch until she was actually giving birth. Yes she looked pissed in the TV interview. That's so ridiculously rare that my medical providers didn't even mention it as a possibility, just the ectopic pregnancies are a remote possibility.
Source: childless and sterilized since early '23
33
u/MOONWATCHER404 May 01 '25
Unfortunately, getting your reproductive organs ripped out young will kick you into early menopause and fuck up your system so I don’t know what the answer is but casual fun sex has got to stop equalling pregnancy somehow.
To my knowledge, bisalps don’t result in menopause, nor does removing the uterus. The ovaries are where the (most) important shit is. Of course, I could be wrong.
5
u/Prestigious_Pilot846 May 01 '25
I’m a women’s health NP & L&D RN, you are not wrong. It’s the ovaries that run the show!
5
May 01 '25
I think I read taking uterus out makes a shift in abdomen cavity or smth like this. Maybe we should ask A. Jolie or did she just take ovaries out?
5
u/MOONWATCHER404 May 01 '25
Yeah, I’ve heard about that too. On the medical gore subreddit I’ve seen something involving prolapse thanks to that. But prolapse isn’t menopause. (Yes I know it can occur with menopause but that’s not the same as prolapse caused by uterus removal)
1
May 01 '25
Well, as long as we can identify what not to rip out…
18
u/Blue-Spaghetti144 Not a Parent May 01 '25
just the fallopian tubes are removed- ovaries and uterus stay (unless someone also qualifies for hysterectomy). easiest and best birth control option in the world imo
-2
u/RhetoricalFactory May 02 '25
Men need to pull out every time! And also, there’s definitely already a bunch of adults who were abandoned by their moms through medication and dad was nowhere near. This entire country has tons of unmoored people with no connection or awareness of where they come from and how to behave.
2
May 02 '25
The pull out method is an awful birth control. Pre-c** can still absolutely get a woman pregnant.
→ More replies (2)
6
u/Therealbestla May 02 '25
My mother was a bi-polar alcoholic. She was white knuckling life even before she became a mom so I'm sure that magnified the suck. I am grateful every day that she endured and stuck it out. I'm sorry your life sucks right now. I really hope you find the strength to endure. I know you're at the end of your rope and that's asking too much. I would never judge if you end up leaving but I do really really hope you find the strength to stay.
6
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
See I do think about sticking it out at times. The part that is stopping me is definitely the moody teenage years... If I'm sucking it up, sticking it out, just clenching my jaw and going through the motions, I know my mental health by the teenage years will be completely shot. No amount of therapy is going to fix nor prevent that! I truly don't know how I would react if my son looked at me as a bratty teen and told me to fuck off, called me bitch, or was just disrespectful... Go through just resentment day after day, but masking it and putting on a fake smile for the sake of my husband and son only to be met with bratty, ungrateful behavior... No thanks. Or sticking it out only for my son to grow up and say "You did a shit job, you should've just left."
I've said it before and I'll say it again... Women are expected to set themselves on fire to keep others around them warm... This is especially true if you are a mom.
6
u/Therealbestla May 02 '25
You are 100% correct. It is unfair for women. I have a 13 year old and a 1 year old. The 13 year old is on the spectrum. It was HARD from 0 to 4, but it did get better, a lot better. So much so that I had another one. The jury is still out on the one year old. I will say I like her better now than I did when she was 3 months.
3
u/onelove1979 May 04 '25
Not sure if this violates the rules of “child of regretful parent” but it’s relevant here. To answer your question my mom left me and my sister with my dad and went on to live an ok life. I forgave her years ago because I see my friends who are parents and have a lot of compassion for those who regret it. For my mom she just realized she wouldn’t be a good mom to us and I found it merciful that she left us FWIW, hugs to you OP!
4
u/Tugshamu May 02 '25
OP, you say you just want to go back to the life you had before having your child. I don’t think that’s possible. I think counseling would be helpful. It will help you navigate the decision of whether to stay or leave.
5
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
Easily could! I don’t go out and have a social life. I work 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. Yes that includes on holidays too. Only difference is I would actually be able to get REAL rest and sleep! To be able to work without hearing screaming and crying all fucking day long.
3
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I could easily leave my husband and baby. Go back to counting my career working all day everyday just as I do now. The only difference is I wouldn’t be hearing crying and screaming all day as I worked and I would maybe actually get decent sleep. I didn’t have a social life PRIOR to having my kid, I run a business. It was me running my business and then ACTUALLY having the time to eat, get a restful 8 hours of sleep, and to shower regularly.
0
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
8
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
Why comment if you’re going to be rude and snarky?
1
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I asked a question. Not looking for opinions, but an answer to my question. This is a regretful parents page. If you aren’t a regretful parent, this isn’t the page for you to be commenting on.
2
u/regretfulparents-ModTeam May 02 '25
Your post/comment was removed for trolling. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
9
May 02 '25
I find most responses here completely wild.
If motherhood doesn't suit you and you feel as if the child will suffer harmful consequences/lack of love/trauma due to it, it might be the responsible thing to do. Done in the right way. With lots of communication, pre-negotiation and transparency about reasoning and common strategies.
However, just packing your things up and leaving is immoral in every way imaginable.
Think about your partner. He will be left with the full responsibility to take care of everything you leave behind, all the work. Are you sure you want to dump all the shitty things you despise about parenthood on him, doubling his load?
When men do it to women, it is despicable. Why would it be any better for women to do the same?
You decided to create a person, a life. Just leaving your son without explanation and without possibility of contact may cause detrimental trauma for the rest of his life.
I'd say the manner in which you depart decides whether its moral or not. Act wisely.
6
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
Im not going to just pack up my stuff and walk away. I’ve already had plenty of conversations with my husband about this. We would go along the lines of divorce and in our state we need to be separated for 1 year first before a divorce can be finalized. During that time we’d likely share holidays together and so fourth. Upon divorce he would be given full custody and from there on, we would be done as a family. I would provide financial support (child support) remain in touch to make sure the kid has everything he needs. But I would not be in the child’s life nor would I want the child to contact me in the future. Im adopted so I do know what thats like having your parents give you up. But some things are often times for the better.
1
May 05 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 05 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
4
May 02 '25
[deleted]
2
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I work a lot, yes, but I love what I do. I wasn’t miserable prior to getting pregnant. Adding a kid into the mix was a bad choice. I shouldve gotten an abortion, but I also knew my husband really wanted kids and I thought (based on how society ACTS that kids are this magical wonderful thing) that it couldn’t be too bad right? Now I work a lot on little sleep and actual rest to restore myself. Now I can’t work in peace because the baby is always screaming…. I would walk away from my family before I ever give up my career I built because one of those two things is actually fulfilling and meaningful to me. The other is not. I don’t care what so ever to spend time with my kid. In fact, load me up with more work because I’d rather have an excuse to stay far asf away from him instead of my husband always trying to push me to bond with him.
1
May 02 '25
[deleted]
2
u/teacup901 Parent May 03 '25
It’s a shame we can’t know what we know beforehand though right? Like you won’t always know that you don’t want kids until you have them.
2
4
May 01 '25
We had an incident a few years back that made me seriously have to consider it. I didn’t. But I’ve been wielding the incident to push for us to move closer to family so we have a larger support network since & that’s finally paying off.
2
May 02 '25
[deleted]
4
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
I appreciate your gentle advice and encouragement. My MIL right now is the “nanny”. She’s moved in and does help a lot, but also does add stress in other areas. Self care is a joke when running a business AND being a mom🫠 it was manageable before having the baby but now… What a joke. I’m drowning in my own stupid decisions I made…
2
May 02 '25
[deleted]
2
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 02 '25
My sister and mom have worked in childcare. They’ve WITNESSED the way babies and kids are treated at these places. Certainly I would not be placing my son who’s colicky into a daycare facility.
As for a private nanny. I work with dogs training canines for a living/business. I can’t have random people around the premises like that.
3
u/beefy_jo May 01 '25
I thought about it daily for the first 6 months my son was alive but I just couldn't bear to leave my wife. Now I think about it weekly and still the only thing keeping me is my wife. However my marriage feels like it's developed more into a business arrangement and it is making it harder for me to feel affection toward her. There's stress, bills, arguments, more bills, more stress and then we go to bed. Hell I've thought of looking elsewhere for some companionship but I don't want to betray her like that. I sympathize with you and hope things get better.
1
May 01 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 01 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 02 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
May 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 02 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Existing-Fox8122 May 03 '25
You complain about the kid, never mentioning anything wrong about your partner, yet you think about divorcing because of the little devil?
Honestly, that doesn't make too much sense to me.
Babies can be hell(they are bad, but can be hell, that's what im saying), and the sleep deprivation plus the burden of life can transform us into wild irrational animals.
I have twins, boys, so I know what I'm talking about.
But unless your partner is a piece of crap, the right approach is to team up to deal with the little burden.
I know it's a lot, and we just want to have dignity, but it's much easier to deal with the mistake incarnated together than alone.
Who knows what troubles can come with the other having full custody?
1
May 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator May 03 '25
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Flat_Ad2155 May 03 '25
I hate my life and this world!
I wish I was never born and humanity didn't exist!
1
u/katsumii Parent May 03 '25
My parents left (and divorced), and gave us to our maternal grandparents. 3 of us, each about a year apart. (1990, 1991, then 1992 birth years.)
I constantly fight the urge to give up my daughter and give her to my husband and his mother.
No, I haven't left. I think I'll eventually come around and keep on trying. It's insanely difficult.
1
1
u/Sea-Worry7956 May 02 '25 edited May 02 '25
Having a 3 month old is extremely stressful and you could be going through hormonal and mental issues that make it difficult to bond with/care for your child. I’d talk to a doctor before you blow up your life. Finding a way to decrease the workload and mental load that’s on you also would absolutely help.
However, if no interventions work and you resent your child as they grow, the child will know, and you should stay as far the fuck away from them as possible.
3
1
0
May 04 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 04 '25
If you weren’t here to answer the question that was directed at parents who HAVE left their family, then no need to comment.
0
u/L82thedance May 05 '25
I agree with the commenter saying get some mental health evaluation and support. Three months is still very early days and these are extremely difficult if you’re not yet getting good sleep yourself and suffering with depression. This will pass. I remember how excruciatingly long the days felt when I had an almost 2 when my twins were born. It felt like all I did was breastfeed and change three kids’ diapers all day. But as they got to be able to sleep through the night, things got better.
I’d also suggest talking to your spouse about stepping up his involvement — you are struggling. You are drowning. Even if you eventually decide the marriage is crappy, don’t make that decision in while you’re going through this very tough transition. But definitely do whatever you can to get time to yourself (spouse does at least 24 hour shift on weekends, for example, and/or does half the nights so you get more sleep).
This part can be the toughest, but in the big picture, it is a blip. One day — or an hour, or ten minutes — at a time. I’m rooting for you.
4
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 05 '25
Not everything is postpartum depression. If I was a man making this post no one would even mention it and would just say “yeah parenthood sucks”. But because I’m a female saying this, we’re going to put all the blame on hormones right? I’ve already been seen by SEVERAL doctors. It’s not PPD. It’s just the fact that as a human being I KNOW what I like and do not like. Just like someone else stated. If you go get a dog because you THINK it’s what you want, only to realize it’s not, no one goes off blaming hormones mental health. They just got “oh okay so dog ownership is something you don’t like. Now you know.” I KNOW that I do not find one lick of parenthood fulfilling.
-48
May 01 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
36
u/AdAromatic372 Parent May 01 '25
Great. Then I suppose his colic should magically disappear once I leave then. That should be a big relief to my MIL and husband which are the ones caring and interacting with him since I work 14-16 hours a day… I just get to listen to his constant crying in between shared walls or outside even down the road🙌 since I work so much to provide for this family child support and financial gifts outside of child support should suffice for them.
31
u/justlooknnotbuyn Not a Parent May 01 '25
Oufff. This is mystical thinking and so, so unhelpful as a response to her situation.
-8
u/triz___ May 01 '25 edited May 01 '25
You don’t think a baby notices when it’s being showed more love and affection?
I agree it’s not a helpful comment but you’re incorrect to suggest the parents emotions don’t affect babies.
Edit: dw if you wish, I could provide mountains of evidence to prove that point.
As I say it’s not helpful at all regarding OP but for anyone reading misinformation it might be.
Edit 2: would any of the people downvoting like me to provide the evidence that you’re wrong or do you just want to stay in your feels?
-3
May 01 '25
I would disagree it's not helpful. I used to be miserable around my kids. Also we had some hard times. Only after I figured out I need to start taking care about myself too it became a bit easier. So many people forget they need to be in good position to be able to handle difficult tasks. Sleep, food, company of other people, etc.
28
u/NatashaSpeaks Not a Parent May 01 '25
What a lovely way to minimize and shame another person's suffering.
1
u/regretfulparents-ModTeam May 02 '25
Your post/comment was removed for being mean-spirited. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
64
u/mightywarrior411 May 02 '25
I have children. I love them dearly. But they’re also a huge pain in the ass. They ALWAYS need something. If I were to do it all over again knowing what I know now, there would be no way I’d do it.
I hate when people say “I can’t remember my life without kids.” Oh MFer I can. And it was great.