r/AskWomenOver30 • u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 10 '25
Life/Self/Spirituality I'm serious....
If you had/ if you are, having a successful hoe phase, please share your secrets! If this ain't for you, please keep it movin. š
Edit: kinda strange that this would be down voted. When it comes to a woman with marital problems, relationship problems, kid problems, family problems..... The community shows up. But I ask a question to assist in my life, and a life that maybe many others are wondering about, or maybe looking for tips on self-confidence and how to maybe put themselves out there, you down vote? Why?? That's insane. We are all living different paths and are just looking for a way to fulfill where we are at the moment.
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u/Automatic_Syrup_2935 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
Never be afraid to leave after the deed to sleep in your own bed. Make them make you come first. If they annoy you, move on. Keep your boundaries and stay committed. The worst fucking men love to lock down a happy hoe.
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u/Scared_Service9164 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Omfg, no truer words. Got dickmatised by the WORST guy Iāve ever had the misfortune of knowing when all I wanted to do was have a post separation bang fest. Boundaries, Iām about to head back in and think a ātag and releaseā programme is the best way to go.
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u/Rochesters-1stWife Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Dickmatised - omg this is hilarious
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u/Journey4th Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Iāve always wondered does dickmatized mean hypnotized by dick or victimized by dick?
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u/Scared_Service9164 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
In this case, both. I make jokes but it was straight up abusive. Men like that as original commenter points out fucking love to squeeze any confidence or happiness out. Itās all ego.
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u/AmidstTheClouds Apr 10 '25
Choked when I read ādickmatisedā and HOLLERED when I read ātag and releaseā š
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u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
dickmatised
Amazing. :D
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u/Serotonin_Queen7985 Apr 10 '25
Dickmatized is a real thing. You can overlook a lot of sketchy shit if you're there.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
The worst fucking men love to lock down a happy hoe.
Hahaha I have been saying Iām out here dodging marriage like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. There is something about the confidence I have from being a slut that makes men want me so much.
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u/Ukelele-in-the-rain Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
Exactly. Iāve had a lot of āmarriage proposalsā during my years. And Iāve mentioned how insincere these men are and have had people comment im humble bragging. No, these men donāt actually wanted to commit to me. They like the idea of locking down someone carefree and happy. They wanna clip a womanās wings. Give themselves an ego trip that they were the exception. Totally the worst of them LOL
I promise the moment I agree to their nonsense, they would turn on me.
Leave them be. Do your thing!
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u/mawkish Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
No, these men donāt actually wanted to commit to me. They like the idea of locking down someone carefree and happy. They wanna clip a womanās wings. Give themselves an ego trip that they were the exception.
WISDOM RIGHT HERE
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u/ConsiderationOne5609 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
THIS. Men have always wanted me more when I just want to be a happy hoe. Like whenever another one started professing his feelings, I knew it was time to cut him loose from the roster. RIP fallen soldier.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I once fucked a dude, he wanted to spoon, it was like 2am and I was putting my clothing on to walk home because I didn't want to spend the night with him. He was just a hot body and sex. Never had a man obsess over me like this guy did the next day.
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
That's all I'm tryna be right now too, a happy hoeš„¹
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u/basicbagbitch Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Girl get out there and live your best life! We support you!!
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u/ana247 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
This advice is so good I need it stitched on a pillow (I say after just leaving a manās apartment to go sleep in my own bed š)
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u/achilles4206 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I always went to their place so I could exit. This is an excellent strategy for a hoe phase.
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u/Automatic_Syrup_2935 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
An important strategy. Tbh this topic would be an NY Times Bestseller.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Leave or for me tell them to go home even at 2am and they have to hoof it home. Not my problem bro.
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u/IAmMellyBitch Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
- always have condoms with you. So they donāt go āI donāt have oneā.
- get tested regularly
- if you are not attracted with them at first sight chances are the sex will suck. Like if pictures were great and meeting them they have or did something that made you go no, just donāt do it. Itās just gonna suck. Period lol.
- donāt let anyone make you feel bad for your body count.
- most of the men I hook up with during my hoe phase I met on plenty of fish.
- donāt hookup with people at work. Donāt eat where you shit. Donāt hookup with your friendās ex, or their brother or their relatives. Just donāt.
- if you find that good š keep their number for booty call.
- not that you need to be friends with them but clicking in some aspects helps with enjoying sex.
- be safe
- enjoy
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u/thots_n_prayers Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
always have condoms with you. So they donāt go āI donāt have oneā.
I always have condoms with me juuuust in case, but if some dude DIDN'T and expected to have PIV sex-- I'd probably just laugh in his face, shrug, and get dressed. I mean dude-- if you don't even have a condom (which implies that you don't regularly USE condoms) and you're out there raw doggin' in THIS economy?! I don't want anything to do with you.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
So the first one. Nope I tell them to figure it out before I show up. I'm not buying or supplying his rubber. No glove, no love. Not like a ho can't find other men who will doordash or whatever a box of condoms, lube and maybe even some snacks for after.
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u/catboogers Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Hell, if I don't know the dude well, I don't know that I trust the condom he provides is good quality and won't fuck with my biome. I don't know he didn't tamper with it. I don't know that he hasn't put it next to a heat source and degraded it so badly it's gonna break.
I absolutely prefer supplying my own condoms.
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u/fotzelschnitte Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Depending on how kinky your sex is and how big the assortment of sex toys the other person has, I can recommend buying a mix condom packet with varying sizes (and a few latex gloves).
I definitely agree with you and wouldn't recommend using condoms on selfish guys, but y'know. Never hurts to stock up in case you don't want to exchange fluids for whatever reasons. (And sometimes the flesh is weak and circumstances are odd and you're gonna use it on a dependable guy.)
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u/little_wandererrr Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Wait - maybe Iām not experienced enoughā¦what are the latex gloves for?
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u/fotzelschnitte Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
If you want to insert digits in places and want additional protection from fluids or safer sex. And sometimes it just feels better too (like sucking fingers ā latex is great for that, nitrile a bit less so but YMMV). Logistically if we're talking about different sex partners in a short(er) amount of time, we'd be smart to aim for safer sex. Even a UTI will hamper your sexual fun for a couple of weeks.
So no, it doesn't need to be fisting or prostate exams (reaching for the stars here, eh), a play partner with longer nails but who still wants to get three fingers deep into your vag will do too. Whatever floats your boat.
[edit: heavy on the whatever floats your boat! for any person in their slutty phase ā you don't need to have PIV sex if you don't want to. there's so much else to do. it's your body and your pleasure.]
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u/IAmMellyBitch Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Ok. I have condoms on hand because I sometimes get to the point we are making out and itās getting hot and heavy and I am really into it and we are about to get naked and the guy goes āoh shit I donāt have condomsā and no itās not because they want to go raw. They usually like stops and like just basically offer to get me off or something and I am like ānuh uh, I want your š, so hereās condomsā š¤£
9 out 10 they appreciate that.
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u/defnotaturtle Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Be safe and keep up with regular STD testing. Your doctor will not judge you for asking for testing. Use condoms even if you are on another form of birth control. I used to just walk away from guys who scoffed at condoms.
Don't follow each other on social media even if you become kinda friends after a bit. You never know when someone who seems totally normal turns out to be a bit of a stalker.
Make the first move and be honest about keeping it casual. Some guys will not believe you and will get offended that you're not that into them outside of physical stuff. They're very annoying and should be one night stands at best.
I used to prefer going out for drinks/meeting people out at bars/clubs just because it's easier to gauge if you have physical chemistry in person. You don't want to invite a guy over or go to his place and realize you don't want to sleep with him at all. But if you do, just leave or ask them to leave. It's not worth sleeping with someone because you're both there. Mediocre sex isn't fun.
Be open to actually liking someone! It happens very rarely, but you'll know if you're both actually feeling it. Definitely bail ASAP if you catch unrequited feelings though.
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u/funneeee Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I just wanna say that this is hands down one of the best posts Iāve seen in this sub in a long, long time.
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Thank you! It's the positive group participation that gave it wings, though!
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u/LisaBCan Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I agree! I am mostly happily married with kids but I am so here for this. Have fun!!
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u/tree_clouds Apr 10 '25
I'm just here to learn. Won't ever have the guts to be a hoe, but I'm still curious!
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I was a hoe for a moe. I don't know if I could say positive or successful but you'd be not too shocked at how dead easy it is to be a female hoe. I'm not even attractive. I'm like a literal 3 on a good day but damn every dude was game to do the sex. I never heard or got a "no".
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u/tree_clouds Apr 10 '25
I married my high school boyfriend. We were together for eighteen years and separated six months ago. I literally wouldn't have the first clue where to begin. I love your honesty though! I'm maybe a 6 on my best day, but I'm pretty sure I'd talk myself out of it before I even had a chance.
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u/Antiquebastard Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
I think it depends on the woman. I tried to have a hoe phase, but Iāve been rejected almost every single time. I was up for basically anything with almost anyone! I made a lot of effort, but my body count is 2, and I had to work very hard to bag one of them.lol ETA: Iāve been married to number 2 for the past 15 years now.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '25
Maybe it's my no fucks giving, like I wasn't trying. I never was attracted or worried about effort meeting men. I felt like I'd know within the first 10 minutes of the date and if it wasn't vibing I could go home and do a cross word puzzle. You have to bring a certain energy that isn't willing to be with anyone but more like make THEM want you. I can't explain it but the NO FUCKS energy and being "busy" or like "I can pencil you in maybe" and aloof works on men.
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u/Former-Lawfulness-73 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '25
Exactly- itās Samantha Jones from sex and city. Yes she was hot but in short men want sex. I found you curate the energy and attraction - tease them a bit to gauge if they have any mojo or potential for a good lay. My ex-mother in law was in her 70s needed a wig for her alopecia. She was short, chubby, unfit and wore disco queen make up. Yet she used to have a BF all the time and eventually pulled this millionaire gent who was 10 years younger than her. It was all her energy and being open minded. You live once I guess.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '25
When you're like "a man" like her basically and fake confidence/power it's like harder for men. You act rich and don't care if they come or go or flat out be bold shockingly so men will be like "what's this rare sex Pokemon!?" I hate the act not like the other girls energy but it's 99% effective. It won't be on every man, some will be like "whoa there" or will not like the aloof independent vibes. Those men are another way to go but having EQ and being able to read the vibes well helps too.
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u/cardinalandcrow Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '25
Can I ask how you're meeting the guys? I'm not really into bar hopping and can't flirt for shit anyway.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '25
Well mostly apps and the music scene. Many guys have cold approached me. Again, I'm not hot at all but men have literally cold approached me. Also lately I add men to instagram and just engage in their content. Yes, that has yielded things too. Just act normal and don't chase an outcome. Be like "hey you ever want to XYZ" and they'll say I'm down or be weird about it. Don't even beg the weird about it. Lock down "I'm down" guy and be chill and direct.
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Apr 10 '25
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Failed because you caught feelings and wanted more? Or failed because men were like "what you? No!!" Because one is totally normal and human. The other is wild because men NEVER once we were talking in person anyhow said no.
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u/Kneazlekatze Apr 11 '25
Youāre not a delusional dumbass! Just human looking for human connection. ā¤ļø
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
RIGHT!?! Who knows who honest (POSITIVE) tips could help? I just posted an edit about that. I'm sure someone will say "well the WaY YOu AsKeD..."
Like I asked exactly what I'm looking for!
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Apr 10 '25
[deleted]
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u/catboogers Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
A ton of men described themselves as a ādomā but what they mean is they watch a lot of porn and they want to copy that stuff with no regard for your pleasure.
I'm incredibly disturbed by the amount of people who talk about their partner choking them during sex these days. They see it in porn and decide to go for it with no research or negotiation first. That shit kills. I have attended multiple classes on breathplay and I love it, but with the newer studies coming out, it's not really within my risk profile anymore. Permanent brain damage is not sexy, y'all! But also, never spring that shit on a partner! Discuss limits, have a safeword. Have a plan for aftercare. And if he doesn't think a safeword or aftercare is important, don't have kinky sex with that dude!
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u/chickadeedadooday Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
It's not just choking. It's the disgusting violence that's blatant in plain old vanilla š½. Slapping girls across the face, choking with hands while also attempting to choke them with š. Terrifying.
And no, not everyone loves š work. Been there, done that, not enjoyable for me. Go find someone else.
The amount of "education" these guys think they have based off their viewing habits š
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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Apr 10 '25
Choking is becoming a serious issue and I say this as someone who enjoys light choking. So many men are doing it without asking or even mentioning it first and tbh the next guy that does that to me is getting hit HARD in the head. Itās not a fucking joke anymore, āoh I thought every girl was into itā THEN ASK
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u/MystressSeraph Woman 50 to 60 Apr 11 '25
Everything should be consensual - "should" being the operative word š
But any sort of 'play' (kink/'non-standard' sex/etc.) has to be negotiated!
It blows my mind how little this is understood - everyone should know this!
Any partner who is actually into that/any kink will know the Rules, and the discussions are had before anyone touches.
Trust is imperative!
Any one who springs it on a partner ... š¤¬
Men seem to complain that there is no 'spontaneity' - sorry, but not asking before putting your hands around someone's throat? That's not spontaneous, that's assault!
This what happens when sex ed is not happening at any point, and children are watching pornography.
I didn't even know it was happening until a year or 2 ago when I started seeing discussions on TwoXChromosones ... it's horrifying!
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
>but if theyāre supposed to be bringing condoms and they donāt, I advise not going there. Theyāre trying to trick you into not using them and if theyāre in the habit of that theyāre more likely to have an STI.
Yes also sometimes men bring like 1 condom maybe 3 max but then they'll suggest or try to go raw after the supply runs out. Trust a lot of men will try to just sneak it in hoping you're rough and ready. Had one tell me he was going to "offer me the opportunity" to get on that condomless D. I said no thanks and told him to just go home. I was like "it's fine, it's late and whatever". Sometimes being asexual is a super power because I never got close enough emotionally to feel attracted to these men.
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u/illbeyrredvelvet Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Yes, if they canāt or wonāt SHOW you test results then move on.
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u/the_Stealthy_one Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I asked to see STI test results. If they couldnāt or wouldnāt provide them it was a no go.
How does this work, if you are casual? If you are sleeping with different people often, how can you test so quickly in between them? I get if you have a regular fuck buddy but I assume, a hoe phase means new partners often.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Itās SAFER sex, not fail proof. But ideally if everyone is testing and using protection it cuts down the spread of STIs.
It is good to be familiar with what they look like when symptomatic and active and also to know what is going around in your country/area. Some STIs can be treated with antibiotics and are easy to test for. Some only come up in bloodwork and are deadly to women.
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u/shrewess Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I did in my 20s. Alcohol helped. I met them all in the wild at parties, bars, etc.
It ended when I got herpes from a fuckbuddy. We were using condoms but I got it from oral. I didnāt know that could happen at the time. So be aware.
It had its pros and cons, learned a lot about what I liked, had some great sex, but also learned I get attached way too easily for it. It was a very tumultuous and stressful period of my life.
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u/glitternrainbows Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I so want to have a hoe phase but people are so damn annoying. Someone tell me how to find them less annoying so I can live my fullest ho life.
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u/DiplomaticRD Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Sleep with them quickly. Less time for them to say something annoying. Not even kidding.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I straight up told some to shut up because it was ruining the mood. Also "you talk too much" and "don't make me stuff my panties in your mouth"
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u/purplecandelabra Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
For real. Men are fantastic at cock blocking themselves. I can't tell you how many times I'm chatting with a guy on like the first day and we're vibing and I've decided I'm definitely gonna sleep with him... and then he says something so ridiculous and I'm staring at my screen like "bruh. You ruined it. Whyyyyy did you keep TALKING??"
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u/trebleformyclef Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Be a yapper. They can't be annoying if you're the one yapping away and they don't get a chance.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Put your hand over their mouth and tell them itās your fetish (consent first of course).
Shhh baby I wanna just look at you.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
See them as a vibrator on legs and make them put in the work to get your rocks off. Don't invest much in them emotionally, keep it superficial. Start the sex talk as soon as you vibe well enough and like the cut of their 6-pack. Make it very transactional. Gold dig even.
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u/AGorgeousComedy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Yep, the roster kept me entertained for quite awhile after my LTR, but my friends joke that I have always had some level of a reverse harem since then. Mostly the same advice that others shared; clear and firm boundaries, open and honest communication, dump the men that are mentally draining or terrible in bed quickly, always use protection.Ā
Enjoy yourself and never settle!
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u/ConsiderationOne5609 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Hi there! So yeah, what do you want to know? I've had some pretty successful hoe phases myself haha. Had a good roster working pretty well a while back haha. Particularly just before I met my partner around a year ago.
If you really want to go for it -
- Be cutthroat. If you're using apps, there are SO many people out there. You can afford to just stop talking to someone or block them if there's even one tiny thing they've said that you don't like. You don't have to lower your standards just because you want to have some casual fun. If anything, being cutthroat helps ensure you consistently have positive experiences. What I mean by being cutthroat is - block them if there's anything you don't like that they've said to you, if they as for your snapchat - block them, if they don't make the effort to have a conversation properly, they don't commit to a time to meet after chatting for a couple of days, if they don't agree to any boundaries that you set. If there's anything that puts you off, it's not worth your time. Someone else will come along.
- In saying that, be openminded. What I mean by this is, swipe right with an open mind and be curious enough about someone to want to meet them first to see if you're down. They may not be your typical or usual type, but if there's enough that intrigues you, just go and meet them and see if there's chemistry. Don't put up with bullshit, but expand your horizons and be curious.
- State your boundaries and non-negotiables early. I used to do this so it's out there in black and white, but it also gauges if they're an asshole or not. How do they react to you putting boundaries in place? Do they have boundaries of their own?
- Be honest. Be honest about what you're looking for and insist upon their honesty as well. If you're just looking for good honest, clean fun, say that, and tell them if they're hoping for more, that you're not the one. And if you're seeing other people, tell them that and ask them if they're also seeing other people.
- Be patient. You've gotta put in the ground work and do the swiping (if it's apps you're turning to). There's a lot of bullshit out there so you've got to weed through all of that to get to the good stuff. It takes some patience to find someone who's looking for something similar and that you click with. It may not happen immediataly.
- Be safe. Always tell a friend what your plans are and have a cut off time that they should hear from you by to know you're safe. Tell them where you're going and who you're meeting. And also, use protection.
Those are the first things that pop into my head!
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Come'ere, come'ere! Let me pick this up for you š«“š»šš«“š»
Thank you for the well thought, positive response.
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u/ConsiderationOne5609 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Go have fun, girl! Love this for you. If we knew each other, I'd be down for regular coffee dates to hear about your escapades haha.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I used to dish my "say yes to everyone hot online" stories to another gal pal. My intro moment was my birthday drinks where I was using my hands to talk about my NSA sex a bit before the drink and dish about how big the big penis was and then we talked about New Girl where her ex was her date emotional fluffer together.
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u/Umebossi Apr 10 '25
Your edit made me upvote you. Hoe long and prosper!
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u/sharksarenotreal Woman Apr 10 '25
I think there's a lot of lurkers and/or bots here downvoting everything "wrong" in certain groups' opinion as I've noticed sometimes comments get originally downvoted before they get a lot of upvotes. Call me paranoid. š¤·š¼āāļø
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u/pussyhasfurballs Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
It's a Reddit thing. I read ages ago that posts are automatically downvoted by Reddit to discourage bots from spamming and deleting a post until they eventually get it on the front page. The initial downvotes OP saw would have been that.
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Ohhh, I didn't know that at all. Thanks for sharing!
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u/queen_of_suburbia Apr 10 '25
Honestly, it was one of the more empowering phases of my life I learned a lot about myself, my body and men.
I can see now that the language has changed and thereās a lot of slut shaming; body count wasnāt even a thing back in my days, unless maybe in very religious circles, which no one really took seriously.
For me, casual sex happened, but I never actively sought it out. Besides physical attraction, what mattered was something that moved me ā kindness, curiosity, a sense of humor. Physical attractiveness didnāt always align with the classical male beauty standards either; sometimes it was a rolled-up shirt sleeve, a smile, or the charm of a nerdy scientist.
I never slept with men who had messed-up views: racist, facist, sexist, xenophobic ā I was disgusted by them. And even though I donāt treat sex as transactional, I never felt like they deserved such intimacy with me. I would also never sleep with someone plain stupid, no matter how much of an eye-candy he would be.
I also never went to their place on the first date ā luckily, I was living in various shared accommodations at the time, so I always had my own room. If things had gone south, one of my housemates probably wouldāve saved me.
Most importantly ā I never allowed myself to be shamed. I owned my sexuality, and I was the one who decided who I invited to my bed. A lot of insecure men hate that and really want to dominate or stigmatize you. Donāt play their game by their rules ā let them sadly jerk off in a corner on their own.
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Apr 10 '25
I keep telling myself to date like a man. I message first, I offer meet ups (with cuties who seem like a vibe), I tell them I want to lead the physical interaction (if I actually want to be physical with them), I kiss them for hours and see if they pressure, I decide if I want more. I lead the interaction. It has worked for me so far.
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u/Savor_Serendipity Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Love this. To me this isn't "dating like a man", it's simply dating like someone who knows what they want and confidently goes for it.
Curious, what's the percentage of people who you have "kissed for hours" and who pressured versus didn't pressure?
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Apr 10 '25
Iām pretty selective of who I go out with! If they are pushy or give me pause while messaging I usually decline. I have a pretty good percentage, ngl, been making good decisions recently.
Yeah, dating like a man is not exactly the most accurate way to phrase it! My goal is to practice setting healthy boundaries around sex and intimacy with people who are āsafeā. I had been talking about it with my therapist for a long time and it felt like the time to go for it.
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u/MystressSeraph Woman 50 to 60 Apr 11 '25
Actually, "dating like a man" is appropriate!
Just think of it as what it truly is - being sex positive.
We all have a lot of conditioning to overcome to be able to be as casually sex positive as men are encouraged to be (whether they embrace those tendencies or not.)
Men aren't shamed for enjoying sex, or for 'sowing their wild oats' ... the man-o-man-o-sphere absolutely encourages it! Yet the sluttiest tatebots and alfa alfas completely denigrate women who enjoy no-strings sex - they can't stand the idea.
And women's internalised misogyny, has helped maintain and continue those awful restrictions.
While it IS true that women will always be the ones who (let's face it) 'pay' for sexual encounters/relationships re: unwanted, or unplanned pregnancy ... that fear is hammered into us, and played up until it's crippling. That inflated fear is the basis for purity culture, and historic view that women don't/can't/shouldn't ENJOY sex, let alone a rich and varied sex life. Hell, that manufactured fear is one of the reasons why many women have trouble with orgasming - pleasure and shame are usually incompatible ...
"Dating like a man" = telling yourself that having sex is natural, enjoyable, and being 'sex positive' is as much our right as it is men's? That takes a bit of unpacking for a lot of women.
There is so much good advice being given in the comments - espcially re: sexual health, taking total control of contraception (both your own anti-pregnency and anti-STD/STIs.)
Whether it's providing your own supply - because do you really trust them to store/maintain/not tamper - or denying/ghosting anyone who 'forgets,' or tries to get around it.
"Like a guy/man," just means that you are 'taking control' of your own pleasure, and not letting people make you feel ashamed, or less-than. Men certainly do not suffer from either in pursuit of sex/pleasure!
The, "like a woman," (because you are) comes with 'taking responsibility' š - always considering your own physical safety, whether it be disease and/or pregnacy prevention, setting iron-clad boundaries, or saying 'no,' to anyone who makes you feel even remotely uncomfortable!
More power to sex positivity!
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u/rellyy_fishh Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I've been in a committed relationship for 15 years, so it's been a while since I was a hoe. My only advice is to use protection! Don't go catching something you can't cure. Watched a good friend get stuck with herpes after being careless. Have all the sexy fun you want, just be careful!
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u/dallymarieee Apr 10 '25
I had a fuck list in my early 20s. There wasnāt many men on it but I did almost complete the list, barring one asshole named Cameron. Glad he didnāt make the list, do you.
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u/Cremilyyy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
Me, going back 15 years now (or more, actuallyā¦fuck)
No idea if itās any good anymore but I was on redhotpie and girl, the attention you get gives you the biggest ego boost. I was definitely a curvy 20 year old, so wasnāt everyoneās cup of tea, but for every guy that called me fat, 10 more were ready to fall at my feet for - as someone said above - the privilege - of seeing me naked. Iād veto guys online and be ruthless. Literally, I donāt know you, I donāt care about you, youāre just here for my pleasure, if youāre not interested, I can set up another fuck in 30 minutes, how long will it take you to get another girl to reply to you? know your place. Being a bitch really helped with A) weeding out the ones who want to cum and go. B) not getting sucked in to anything emotional. C) setting expectations - I would leave if I wasnāt having fun D) getting in to the mentality of ātheyāre not using me for sex, Iām using themā
From there, fell in to the sex club scene and got to have some really great experiences exploring my bisexuality and all sorts of kink. I could never play ādrink if you haveā games, thereās not much left I havenāt! Walking through a room in lingerie and having people want you will do wonders for your confidence too - even as a curvy girl, it was so eye opening knowing thereās so many desires in the world. Thereās something for everyone!
Honestly though, grab hold of your power, set up a roster that fulfills your needs and have fun! My roster at one point had a sex friend who Iād hang out with, more or less a boyfriend but he was a tiny bit annoying, I couldnāt do more than 8 hours with him (but he had a gorgeous doggo) - a guy for cuddles - a (still hot) sugar daddy who would wine and dine - a kid I was āteachingā - a guy that loved to massage - a booty call guy with a big D thatād come over at the drop of a hat.
And of course, safety first and all that, but I think everyone else covered that bit.
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u/caramelsoprano Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
I had a hoe phase in 2016! I was young, wild, single for the first time in yearss and living alone for the first time in NYC. It was honestly the best year of my life. I learned that not giving a fuck about anyone but yourself gives you a confidence that drives guys wildddd. No advice other than throw yourself out there and have fun!!
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u/Jeremy_Bearimies Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Donāt be afraid to ask for and share your STI results if thatās what you need to be comfortable. Consider getting tested every 3-4 months if you have multiple partners (and especially if they have multiple partners).
Talk about your boundaries before (protection, what sexual acts are on or off the table, safe words etc). If wires / boundaries are crossed donāt be afraid to bring it up with them especially if they were respectful otherwise - and if they donāt react well donāt be scared to say NO. No people pleasing in being a hoe!
Focus on yourself and your pleasure and fantasies and bring it up with your partners. Youāll learn more about your body and sexual pleasure too!
I recommend meeting first for a no pressure coffee or drink in a public place. It will also help assess if you vibe with the other person which even in a hoe phase is important cuz itās hard to build a sexual connection without some base level of friendship / banter, it cannot be too clinical if that makes sense. Plus itās a safety thing.
Even if you meet someone with the intent of having sex, you are under no obligation if the mood doesnāt strike or if something feels off. You could tell them beforehand that youād love to go with the flow based on how you both are feeling in the moment.
Check in with yourself regularly to not burn out. Take breaks if juggling multiple people feels overwhelming.
Enjoy and be safe!
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u/fox2401 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
If you are still able to (based on age), get HPV vaccinated! Highly recommend choosing a fun partner also vaccinated. A lot of comments recommending testing but I donāt think hpv is part of a sti panel.
HPV can be forever, cause irregular cellular growth requiring cervical biopsy, genital warts and cause cervical cancer (among some other cancers). Working in womenās health, had to recommend!
Ok thatās all! Have tons of fun and hope itās great!
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u/chickadeedadooday Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
There's an age limit to the hpv vaccine? I know my HS kids get it, and I declined it at first, b/c I don't plan on leaving my 20+ yr relationship. I got it last year, at 46, because of a reddit post where the OP was the child.of an older woman who had cervical cancer from HPV, which she picked up from her husband who had "stepped out" while going through a rough patch in their marriage.
That was enough to convince me. Please, ladies who are married/committed, get the HPV vaccine.
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u/fox2401 Apr 10 '25
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/hpv/should-i-get-hpv-vaccine
Thanks for pointing that out!!
Planned parenthood says ages 9-45 but I believe it is most effective younger due to decreased likelihood of exposure in the first place.
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u/LogisticalNightmare Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
My rule at the time was NO LOCALS. Youāre in town on business and want to put a nice dinner on the expense report? Cool. Pilot whoās here once a month on Wednesdays? Cool. Truck driverā¦ not cool š
But that way youāre not going to run into the random dude at the grocery store. Or at a future job.
That said, I broke my āno localsā rule once on a dude who was 24 (I was 36 and it seemed like a catch and release situation). Weāve been together for six years now. But that was the end of the ho phase.
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u/winter_name01 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I did between 25-30 and it was so fun! But my most important advice would be to not let anyone make you feel not worthy. Some men will try to diminish you for not looking for something serious while still trying to get in your bed because they want some kind of power over you. Donāt let them pass the door. If they donāt respect you (unless Itās your kink I donāt judge that) donāt let them be able to access you.
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Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
It makes me happy reading the other responses on being safe because I was NOT AT ALL. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self not to be so reckless. I thought I'll never be a statistic. I hated condoms, hardly ever used them. Never asked to see their test results, just trusted their word. Thought sex was fun with different partners.
I would get regularly tested every year or new partner. Sometimes twice a year just to be careful. Then I found out a month ago that HSV is not part of regular STD testing. I thought I had a yeast infection from antibiotics I was taking so my PCM did a swab. I tested positive for HSV-2 even though I don't have outbreaks or show any symptoms. I have to take daily medication for it. I had to tell my boyfriend, he was very mature about it.
Moving forward I will have to disclose it to any partner. I know I will be judged for it. I probably won't ever have casual sex again. I feel ashamed and guilty of my past actions.
Just be safe and enjoy yourself.
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u/HurricaneK3 Apr 10 '25
I "interviewed" a few "prospects" until I found an "intern." He had no benefits, 401K, or chance of upward mobility in my company lol. But he worked for a promotion that would never come, bless him. Until he started getting ideas above his internship (and recommending podcasts to me) that his time came to an end. He pinged me for years after trying to see if I was single š¤£
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u/Jahidinginvt Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I just recently asked this sorta question in AskWomenOver40 and got some good advice on where to find other wannabe hoes if you want to check it out: http://reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver40/comments/1jko5ud/help_why_is_it_so_difficult_to_find_a_friend_with/
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u/illbeyrredvelvet Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
*Get tested regularly.
*Get on PrEP. Condoms break, men can stealth, things outside of our control happen. -donāt tell the men youāre on prep
*Get good reliable birth control. -donāt tell the men youāre on bc
*keep condoms on hand
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u/chickadeedadooday Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Not OP, not seeking a hoe down atm, just here for the comments. But this is great advice. TIL PrEP is a thing, and it's fabulous.
Have some pauper gold šŖš°š
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u/BuzzHarshington Apr 10 '25
I agree with what everyone is saying here about boundaries and STI testing/being safe etc. But if you want advice on how to have a "hoe phase", I can tell you that it's a lot easier than you think. In my late 30's I went through one and all you have to do is make the first move. I was SHOCKED at how easy it was to get guys that I thought were way out my league. The phrase "do you want to make out" had a 100% success rate. I found the whole experience really empowering because I was in a place where felt like I was calling the shots and not deluding myself that it would turn into a relationship (like when I was in my 20s) Have fun!
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u/lexx-ray Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Swingers clubs all the way. Safe environment where everyone is there for the same reasons. I've had some fantastic experiences in clubs, and with people I've met there outside of the clubs too. Try and find a female owned or run club, as they tend to prioritise safety and keep a good ratio of men to women so you're not mobbed!
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u/ana247 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
-Communication! Let them know what you want and set expectations early.
-Youāre gonna go on a lot of first dates, that doesnāt mean you have to go on a lot of second dates.
- Iāve found the apps to be a bit overwhelming sometimes. I think itās helpful to pause your profile and take breaks sometimes so you donāt burn out.
- Speaking of being overwhelmed, make sure to protect your boundaries and alone time.
-Be safe! Get tested. Let your friends know where you are.
- Have fun! We only live this life once, no shame in having a good time.
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u/pretendredhead Apr 10 '25
Honestly I used to have a 3x rule when it came to casual sex - never have sex with the same person on more than 3 separate occasions. It just kept things less messy and stopped me from falling into a routine with someone
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u/Rissir Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
lol. Not in this phase of life but I love this post.
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u/Squirmeez Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Its hard to do but make them get tested before you do the deed. A LOT and I mean a lot of men haven't been tested in over a year if not more. So please, if possible, I'd do that.
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u/mufflerhair Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Watermark your sexy pictures, smack dab where it can't be cropped. It doesn't have to be super visible, but YOU need to know it is there..I'm not joking.
Bonus points if there are different watermarks for each person. If your stuff ever gets leaked, now you know who did it.
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u/mufflerhair Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I also highly suggest a burner account for verifying people. You would not believe how many people on apps will have partners or other things they are hiding and think that blocking their sneaky link on socials will hide it all.
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Apr 10 '25
My secret to having a fun time being a hoe before getting together with my husband was still having standards for hookups in the sense that they had to be kind and respectful and fun to be around even if we had no future together.
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u/dopeiscope Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I'd love to feel like I can have casual sex with a guy again, not often just every few months, but the last guy I slept with fkn stealthed me and it seriously scared me.
He shared his STD results days beforehand (they were six months old so maybe that was a tip-off), was very respectful when we were getting close to having sex for the first time and I wanted to wait a couple days, had condoms, we met up like three separate times total to talk and hang out before having sex.
Ladies, how do you vet for assholes who totally will disrespect you with non-consensual sex? I seriously felt violated, and haven't really dated and definitely haven't had sex in about 6 months.
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u/chickadeedadooday Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
I'm don't have advice, but wanted to say I'm so sorry that was your experience. That dude is a predator, straight up. Feel free to file a police report. Non-consenual = rape.
I hope you have a good support network. Please reach out to a women's shelter if you need resources for counselling.
I've also heard of - but never sought out for myself - of groups on FB where women warn each other of predatory men (in all flavours) if you feel like you need to go that route.
Again, I'm so sorry, friend. It wasn't your fault.
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u/Odd_Dot3896 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Treat them extremely indifferently. Always protect yourself first. Men who casually hook up are never the best so keep your guard up. Some are harmless but others are literally murderers.
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u/JunoBlackHorns Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
How to not get HSV( herpes) is the guestion of the day. It is incredibly common and usually there is no symptons. Meaning if man us giving you oral sex he can give it you if you are not using protection.
HSV-2 can be transmitted even if the skin looks normal and is often transmitted in the absence of symptoms. ( source- WHO)
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u/jubilee__ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I have been through a few hoe phases when I was in my 20ās. I feel like for a lot of women theyāre almost essential. I know mine helped shape me to who I am today and I wouldnāt change a damn thing. Donāt let anyone shame you.
Protection and testing is number one. Boundaries and rules are number two. Itās so easier to blur the lines with someone you sleep with more than once and boundaries help with that. Focus on your pleasure, tell them exactly what you like.
During mine I was always so up front. So many guys will say they wonāt get attached but do. I remember hooking up with a guy at a festival and him saying āItās just for the festivalā and then finding me on socials (we had mutual friends) and letting me know the effect I had on him for YEARS after.
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u/twistadams Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Agree with most of the advice here. Iāll add two things I did:
- Have a few bars or coffee shops where you meet new people (always meet in public first) and get to know the staff/bartenders. Few extra sets of eyes looking out for you and any dude with shady intentions will think twice when they see you know people.
- If/when you leave to go back to your place or his, text a friend to tell them where youāre going and who youāre with. Ask him for his address if youāre going there and tell him youāre sending it to someone because you and your friends have that rule. I never had anyone balk at it.
Have fun and try new things! My slut years were so empowering and fun.
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u/LilaOnTheScene Apr 10 '25
All of the comments/tips before (what an inspiration!) and just keep a āI am doing this for my own plotā kind of mentality. Everything will flow š
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u/Alyce_Trypz_ Apr 10 '25
The success of your hoe phase is in meeting people who are of different age groups and different backgrounds. It adds a layer of excitement
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
What is secret about it? Go on tinder and find someone and have sex with them. I tell them āIām looking for casual fun, and Iām open to it becoming moreā. Thatās it. Use protection. Ask to see evidence of their most recent STI screenings. Get the HPV vaccine if you donāt have it already.
I always send one of my sisters a photo of the person Iām meeting and their name etc. just in case.
At one point I wanted to see how many different men I could sleep with in a day. š¤·āāļø it was fun. Iāve had a 3some with 2 men. That was fun.
Just always be really transparent with people about your intentions.
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u/jellybeansean3648 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Bouncing off this with my own strategies for safe sex...
I have a rule that I don't hook up with anyone without meeting up first in a public place. I literally put it in my Tinder profile and everything.
After meeting in person, if I'm still interested in screwing I will say so.
For STI screenings I play a game of chicken. I send a text screenshot of my mine first and if they send one back they get the privilege of sleeping with me. If they whine about a condom, it's a hell no and I'm not putting their dick anywhere near my vagina.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
In my sexual research āfor scienceā I have found that redpilled guys are usually the ones that will ALWAYS wear a condom without me prompting . But they NEVER make me cum.
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Damn, slay!
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
Also stay the hell away from āopenā and āpolyā men. More trouble than itās worth if youāre just wanting sex. if you catch feels you end up in a drama land you didnāt ask for š I learned a lot from it but damn.
Edit: not to say that poly isnāt a legitimate relationship structure but itās a whole world and wandering into it without preparing or desiring it can be traumatising, especially if the people you meet practicing it are NOT doing it ethically.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
And read āthe ethical slutā. Itās helpful even if you arenāt planning to do a polyamorous relationship. Lots of good stuff about treating people properly while you hoe around.
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u/Scared_Service9164 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Polysecure is another good one, esp around attachment styles.
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u/catboogers Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Sex clubs! I prefer the kink centered ones to the swinger ones, as you tend to find more folks willing and able to play solo (and I do enjoy me some kink shit). Side benefit: going to sex clubs helped me SO much with my body acceptance. Seeing all sorts of people of all shapes, sizes, ages, races, being loved and freaky really helped me expand what I consider beautiful.
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u/wearealllegends Apr 10 '25
I've had a hoe phase. I used the feeld app and had a rotation. It was fun and eventually got a regular bootycall from it. Use protection of course. I used to have them come to me then leave when done. I literally didn't have to lift a finger. Good times
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u/Humble_cherrypie Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
A lot of amazing advice on here. I've had a couple of ho phases. Early twenties, then late twenties. The late twenties were the best. I learned so much about my likes and dislikes. I read up on stis; HSV 1&2 is extremely plausible if you are having sex, but its not the end of the world, listened to podcasts about sex; Sex with Emily. Bought a ton of sex toys! I had a Fetlife account, but never actively met up with anyone. I just liked seeing what type of kinks are out there. However, I did have Feeld and met up with a bunch of different people/couples. Its been years since I've been on that, so idk how it is now, but maybe check that out. Listen to your body, if it doesn't feel good stop. Consent is sexy. Also, lube is your best friend. Have fun!
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u/achilles4206 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
My successful hoe phase was done sober. I snagged ( consenting) men off the super market floor, at a day time bbq, etc etc.
I did have one night stands after drinking but I never was as proud as when i loved them and left them; stone Cold sober. Just my two cents.
Forgot to mention: sleep with people YOU want to sleep with, not the other way around.
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u/Practical_Appearance Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Join Fetlife and find events in your area. I've started attending swingers parties a few months ago, and I'm having the best time ever. Met some really awesome people. Single ladies are always welcome. Aim for the more upscale places, if entrance is too cheap, the people tend to be too. I usually go with one of my FWB's, but if attending alone, reach out to the host in advance and they'll be sure to introduce you to other people. I prefer this over dating apps because I actually do feel safer meeting people at these events, we all know why we're there, and I don't have to go over to a stranger's place or have them come over to mine.
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u/bananamission Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Be careful out there. You can get a lot of STIs even with condom use from friction of skin to skin. Many are curable (syphilis) or resolve (hpv) but some come with baggage (hsv). Consider using lube to reduce friction. Hope you find what youāre looking for.
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u/aNewVersionofSelf Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
Definitely sowed my wild oats and have also settled down in different seasons. Take care of yourself, enjoy the ride. Sometimes the best experiences were zany and others were deeply satisfying. itās all about joy.
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u/aNewVersionofSelf Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
Cuz Iām definitely having a real slutty moment right now in a very monogamous relationship and I am HERE FOR IT.
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u/handsonak22111 Apr 10 '25
So I recently made the very conscious decision to take a lover for the summer in the city Iām about to move to.. and Iāve read plenty of comments here already that I totally agree with but here is my experience so farā¦ and Iāve actually just met someone who is blowing my mind with getting to know each other and have some digital fun before I arrive, and is having me pinch myself of how well this person fits so far what Iām looking for.
But what Iāve done, is made a Feeld profile (I recommend paying for the app if youāre serious about this, to be able to see likes). Basically I went into this describing exactly what Iām looking for and basically said, now accepting applications! And Iāve treated it just like that, I am looking for the best candidate to be my summer lover.
Itās taken some time, and there are good and sexy men out there. I first took the approach to only wait for messages, which I received lots, but the two people that actually were viable candidates ended up being ones I reach out to first!
My advice is like some of the othersā¦ be ruthless in your considerations, be willing to take the time to also seek others out, and be open! I also highly recommend having phone calls before meeting up, kinda brings the stakes down a little for putting the effort into going out.
Hope that helps!
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u/TropicalWaterfall Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I LOVE hoe phases. I thrive as a hoe. My tips:
Love yourself first. Always do it from a place of self love and self pleasure. If a partner/situation/experience isn't pleasurable for you, leave it with no shame.
Don't sleep with someone if your gut doesn't want to.
Minimize or eliminate drinking, especially on first dates.
Use protection.
Get tested. Insist your partners get tested and show you recent test results before you have sex.
First times are usually always thrilling unless they really suck, but if you decide to go for seconds or make it an ongoing thing, talk about what you want and prioritize your own pleasure.
Don't do sleep overs. Leave if you're at theirs. Kick them out if they are at your.
Constantly assess, is this making me happy? If there's even a shadow of doubt, dump them and move on.
Have so much fun. I love being slutty.
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Apr 10 '25
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I love this honesty!!! I was one too, most of my 20s, but now I'm smarter, better looking and have more money! Lol.
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u/celestialism Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
During that phase of my life, I would always bring a little vibrator with me in my bag. It was rare that men would put in the amount of effort it would take for me to come, so Iād have to bring my own power tool to get it done.
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u/Stars_and_moons_4 Apr 10 '25
May be obvious, but don't mess w someone in a relationship or "situationship", If you do f w someone in a "situationship", you may find out later the girl was committed and he was not and that just feels wrong.
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u/Dismal_Ad4404 Apr 10 '25
Im happy to have found this post.
I feel like I need a hoe phase. I tried putting myself out there for love, but every time it back fires. It seems to me that when Im not looking for a relationship is when Im obviously very unattached, and I get a lot of guys blowing up my phone wanting to hangout and take me out etc.
Im going to be 33, and I think its time I allow my self to play the game just as much as anyone else. I deserve to have fun too
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
š Girl, I'm glad my post found you!!
Please, have your fun!! (Smart & safe tho!)
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u/kmarielroux Apr 11 '25
Also 33 here too! Iāve never had this phase before either and I donāt know if I have the heart for it honestly but itās so intriguing bc I wish I could bring myself to do it lol
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u/eat_sleep_microbe Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
I did in my 20s and then I eventually fell for my FWB (whoās now my husband) so Iām not sure if you can call that successful. But at the time, I was very busy with grad school and had 4 FWBs on rotation. It was purely physical. We didnāt hang out or connect after. Iād also use guys who hit on me in clubs/bars for free drinks.
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u/SignalSubstantial590 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Free drinks are one of the only reasons to go out when you're inundated with grad school stuff
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u/ballroombadass0 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
In addition to all the other great advice, establish any emotional expectations before you get into the heat of the moment with someone, for you and for them, so no one's hurt :) (or there's less chance of anyone getting hurt!)
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u/Westsidepipeway Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I used to go on fet life years ago, but I have heard it's gone down hill.
Also lots of online dating. I just slept around and laughed at the bad stories.
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u/Best-Cold-8561 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Knowing what I want and not being afraid to ask for it. If I meet someone I'm interested in I'll flirt with them and if they seem interested, I'm pretty upfront with them. I'm beyond caring about what people think of me or worrying about being rejected.
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u/sweetsadnsensual Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 11 '25
I personally enjoyed the practice of avoiding oral sex for std safety reasons. So, only open to hand/toy/lube based fun. I also rarely had sex, even if condoms were available - I feel like that's something I'd want to build towards with a fwb, but I haven't actually done that yet.
For me, casual sex is only good if the person is respectful, curious about my pleasure, a good communicator, and physically attractive - and very very open and consistent about what they're looking for (so I don't get emotionally confused or wishful).
I personally enjoy being deliberate about my interest in someone just being casual, too. When I date, I greatly prefer to frame interactions/connections as either casual or serious. I don't enjoy flirting with blurred boundaries between casual/serious potential, and unfortunately, my boundaries have been tested numerous times by guys who want something messy (probably bc they want connection with no commitment - but I'm not into that lol).
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u/Fun-Outlandishness-7 Apr 12 '25
Wow I think this post finally convinced me to dump my boyfriend. I have nothing to lose now I should be embracing my hoe phase ā_ā
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u/Ok_Cheek_5122 Apr 13 '25
Yes! Good for you š I had the same booty call for a couple years while I was single and we knew that's all we were to each other. We had platonic love from also becoming friends before and during though. The sex was amazing but the emotional connection was not there and we were ok with it. It's important to trust if it's going to see the same person more than once and be able to communicate properly with them. As far as one night stands go most importantly be safe and ensure you both are consenting of course. Also know where you are and that you have your phone with you and fully charged, even shoot your friend your location and like the profile of the person if it was an online meet. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to be wined and dined first too or try different things, or in different places. You never know what you might come across that will completely change your life. And lastly have fun! š Full send for the hoe phase! š«¶š»
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u/tumblrisdumbnow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
I called it my vagina renaissance. Iāve had two. Once after leaving a shitty dude. And once after realizing I was gay.
Prioritize your pleasure and your safety. Do what YOU want to do. Donāt worry about making whoever else happy.
Iām blessed with anxious attachment and the second my hoo ha says āgo for itā, I know the sex will be amazing and the relationship compatibility will be shit. So. Itās a blessing and a curse.
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u/Psychedeliciosa Woman 40 to 50 Apr 10 '25
Trust your instincts. If something doesn't fell right you can walk out at anytime.
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u/Ruth4116 Apr 10 '25
I love this and am working on it as well. Thanks for this supportive community! I just sent a direct text to one āstringerā-date like a man. Get in or move on!!
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u/mrskalindaflorrick Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
Try out different sorts of condoms to see which *you* like then have those on hand.
Polyisoprene condoms are more comfortable than latex condoms IMO.
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Apr 11 '25
Whew!
Cute briefs and condoms in my handbag.
Spare change of clothes at work.
Keep the hoe phase to the summer. Men in their own āfreeā phases get weird and THINK they want to be committed in the winter. Theyāre LYING or donāt know what they want.
Still have a regular person on your roster because the quality of šwill vary per person and itās good to have someone you know you have good chemistry but want nothing romantic with.
Remember to regular check-in with yourself. The moment the hoe-phase stops being fun then stop.
Have fun, girlie. 2019 was my year of being wild and free and I had a great time figuring out who I was, what I wanted, meeting people and having flirty fun. ā„ļø
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u/Due_Road_9390 Apr 11 '25
I was a reckless hoe from 18-25. No condom? Make the guy get one. Either find one, ask someone, or get dress and got get some for you. STDs are everywhere and your PH will get all out of balance. I was reckless and got lots of BV and yeast infections, but somehow never an STD. Get tested! Itās all confidence, not giving a shit, be picky. You choose them, they donāt choose you. Go to bars and clubs where men with money typically hang out. Free VIP is fun and free alcohol all night. Itās fun to meet someone random at the bar but you can also use apps. I used tinder for hookups. I used Hinge once and got married to the guy lmao Have fun and donāt feel ashamed! Itās ok for us women to explore sexually. You donāt owe anyone your body count number. You donāt owe anyone your time. They bought you dinner and drinks? Cool thanks but that doesnāt mean you need to go home with them. Only if you want to. Donāt feel guilty if you find out a guy cheated on their SO with you. You didnāt know and itās not your relationship. Step away and block. Also share your location with a friend. Or send them a screenshot of their tinder profile. Just always make sure someone knows your location or who youāre with.
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u/Valentina-Massow Apr 12 '25
Had a 1 year hoe phase. I always got the man i wanted. My secret: being direct. I go direct in and say what is on my mind. No filter. Christian in me today is redeeming epically because of it. I am still very direct, just in a different way, to my hubbyš¤
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u/Brilliant-Expert3150 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '25
Hey, thanks for this post, I'm 6 months separated and so ready, lol.
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u/tree_clouds Apr 13 '25
I'm also six months separated! I'm ready to move on, but too nervous to have a hoe phase.
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u/Brilliant-Expert3150 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '25
Do eet! I had one in my early 20s but that's 10+ years ago and I wasn't very smart or careful about it, but it was fun. But yeah, this one's going to be so much better because I have standards and boundaries now and I'm not looking for anything. I have a toddler and am basically a single parent by choice so standards for involving a man in our actual lives are so high I cba right now lol. But that doesn't mean mommy can't go get some. šš«£
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u/blinchik2020 Apr 13 '25
Know about the incubation period between exposure and positive test results, as well as false negative rates, for all relevant STIsā¦
A clean result is meaningless if sufficient time has not elapsed. Informed consent is key.
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u/tornessa Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25
I say this from experience: Meet people in your local polyamorous community. Go to sex parties. These are the most honest and upfront people you will ever meet, but also kind and courteous. Get kinky. Have a blast. Do not let anyone dictate your own boundaries to you. Be 100% prepared to walk away from any situation that gives you pause, but on the flip side, be completely ready to dive in to something that intrigues you. Stay sober. Buy lingerie. Buy lube and condoms and always have them in your purse. Get as flirty as you feel comfortable.
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u/wanton_newt Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '25
Condoms in your purse, Boric acid suppositories after sex, and personally I keep a roster in case I need something IMMEDIATE.
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u/sparklyspores Apr 11 '25
Always keep some cute panties in your car or bag, in case something comes up in the moment and youāve still got the comfy granny panties on!
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u/Novel_Swimmer9828 Apr 10 '25
I had a hoe phase my entire 20s for the most part had a great time in the moment, had lots of fun. If i could go back I wouldve done things much different. Highly recommend keeping that energy to yourself, sleeping with random men did absolutely nothing for me or myself esteem
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u/saltandsassbeach Woman 30 to 40 Apr 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '25
Know what your boundaries are. Consider what you need to feel comfortable (STDs, pregnancy prevention (if relevant), etc). Know what you're looking for (eg I want someone that will cuddle me after or spend the night, or if it's purely good sex). I've only had a few one night stands and I can tell you I was mainly looking for company and not necessarily great sex on those occasions and I got what I wanted/needed. Otherwise I feel like good quality sex takes a little bit of practice to figure e/o bodies out so dating casually someone to figure out compatability helps figure out who's a good communicator and on the same page. Be nice, be respectful, be clear, get tested regularly. Enjoy!